In theory, play dates are supposed to be fun, but visits from friends can spark squabbles between even the friendliest of tween siblings. From “She always wrecks everything!” to “It’s my room!” to “You always take his side!” scuffles abound as kids jockey for alone time with pals, stake their claim to bedrooms and playrooms, and try to one-up siblings in an attempt to appear cool in front of their friends. And brokering household peace can leave parents exhausted.
Play dates were anything but playful for Piper Leslie’s two older children, 10-year-old Kaylee and 9-year-old Kyle.
“When we first started play dates, Kaylee was usually the one to have friends over,” she says. “Kyle has Asperger’s syndrome and has a harder time making friends, and I never wanted him to feel left out, so I always made Kaylee include him.”
But when fights started springing up between the normally close pair, Leslie knew she needed a new play date plan of action.
Playdate pandemonium
Clinical psychologist Dr. Michelle P. Maidenberg, of Harrison, N.Y., is a mom of four who referees play date problems on a regular basis with her three older boys, 11-year-old Addison, 8-year-old Foster, and 6-year-old Wyatt.
“Sometimes, we’ll have several play dates in a week,” she says. “It’s a constant struggle to keep everyone happy.”
So why are play dates such a pain?
According to Maidenberg, there’s often more to the problem than meets the eye. Although kids may fight over fairness and alone time with their friends, the real issue at stake is sibling rivalry. Play dates can set the stage for siblings to feel excluded and hurt, and conflicts ignite when one sibling thinks that he’s been wronged, especially if he perceives that another child is being favored.
When tempers flare, kids often set parents up to take sides: “Make him leave us alone!” or “Tell her that it’s my room!”
Parents should tread carefully, says Maidenberg, because the time-honored tactic of forcing one child to include a left-out sibling in her play can strain sibling relationships. A child who is forced to include a sibling in a play date may feel resentful and angry, and direct those feelings at the play date-crashing brother or sister.
Playful peacekeeping
Happily, play dates don’t have to be breeding grounds for sibling rivalry. Instead, they can be exercises in family problem solving, says Adele Faber, co-author of the New York Times best-seller “Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.” Since most play dates are planned in advance, Faber recommends that parents sit down with kids and draw up a pre-play date action plan.
“You know your own kids; you know if one child is going to want alone time with their friend and the other child is going to be moping around,” she says. “So sit down together and ask them, ‘How can we make this play date fun for everyone?’ ”
When kids are involved in creating a plan, they become invested in the solution, Faber says.
Creating a shared plan of action also sends an important message to each sibling: one child doesn’t get to have fun at the expense of another. Every family member has valid needs and ideas. Rivalry diffuses when kids see that they are valued and that one sibling isn’t being favored, she says.
Ideas for inclusion
Planning ahead is ideal, but even the best-laid play date plans aren’t foolproof. Plans can fall through. (For example, when a surprise rain shower keeps everyone indoors.) And sometimes, planning is impossible (such as when a neighbor knocks on the door for an impromptu play date). When hectic schedules or weather curveballs make planning impossible, parents can keep the peace by finding activities that everyone can enjoy.
Great examples are bowling, ice skating, jumping rope, and active electronic gaming systems like the Nintendo Wii that allow kids of different ages and skill levels to participate side by side.
Finding a special “job” for a younger child can help that sibling join in the fun; for board games, younger kids can be in charge of money or rolling the dice, and for an obstacle course, a younger child can be in charge of the stopwatch. After a round of group play, parents can give the child with the play date some alone time with her pal by asking siblings to help fix a snack for everyone.
Leslie found play date peace when she stopped micromanaging friends’ visits. Instead, she talked with her kids about the importance of kindness and inclusion — and then she stepped back and trusted her kids’ judgment.
“I realized it wasn’t Kaylee’s responsibility to keep Kyle entertained,” says Leslie. “I let them know that while I expect Kaylee and her friend to be kind to Kyle (and vice versa), it’s up to her to decide if she wants to include her brother. Overall, they’re both good about including the other. They know it’s not fun to be left out.”
Malia Jacobson is a nationally published freelance journalist and mom. She blogs about parenting and family health at www.thewellrestedfamily.com.
