When it comes to staying home alone, parents are often unsure about how to judge whether their child is ready. It is important that you do not rush into things, even if your child appears confident in his ability to take care of himself while you are away.
“A lot of states do not have a legal age limit or cut-off point for when children can stay home alone, so it is about making sure that you know if your child is comfortable,” said Dr. Kirsten Cullen Sharma, clinical assistant professor in the department of child and adolescent psychiatry, child study center at New York University Langone.
According to the New York State Office of Children and Family Services website, “Some children are responsible, intelligent, and independent enough to be left alone at 12 or 13 years of age. Likewise, there are some teenagers who are too irresponsible or have special needs that limit their ability to be safe if they are left alone.
Parents and guardians need to make intelligent, reasoned decisions regarding these matters, asking, ‘What has the child done in the past to show you he is able to take on this kind of responsibility?’ ”
Sharma says that one of the ways to help your child feel comfortable is by “progressively letting him stay home for longer and longer periods of time.”
Each child has different emotions regarding the potential responsibility.
“I work with a mom who is going through this with her 13-year-old daughter who is nervous to stay home, and the mom is working a plan with her where the first day she went to the gym in her apartment building for 15 minutes, the next day to the store across the street for 20 minutes,” said Sharma.
Every couple of days, you can attempt to do something and let your child stay home alone to build up his belief that he can do it. Knowing how to respond in various situations can help get him to that point.
“A big part is planning ahead, so you need to have a safety or emergency plan and make sure you know a neighbor who is home next door,” said Sharma. Be sure your child knows how to contact you, even if it just sending a text message every half hour, so they have a check-in plan.
Practice can make all the difference. Your child may feel better prepared if he has a chance to role- play an emergency situation or plan before he is allowed to stay home for a short period of time.
“Practice calling an emergency contact person if the child gets injured or a fire starts in the house,” said Sharma. You should also practice the scenario of someone knocking at the door.
“Let your child know to never open the door to strangers and always check before opening the door to anyone by looking through a peephole or window first,” said Melanie Pipkin Kozel, media relations lead at the American Red Cross. He should inform you or an emergency contact person if someone comes to the door.
“Make sure he knows not to go outside to check an unusual noise,” said Kozel. Knowing how to turn the security alarm on and off can be helpful as well.
Some kids are able to cope with situations easier than others.
“Talk about whether your child is mature enough and whether he is nervous or scared, since that is a huge part of the picture — even if he is mature,” said Sharma. Discussing fear and anxieties is beneficial.
“Have your child keep a journal of thoughts or feelings that he had while you were away and then at night, sit down and review what came up,” said Sharma.
Some kids are more expressive than others.
“Some write down nothing and they are fine, and others say they were scared, because it was starting to get dark outside,” said Sharma.
Depending on age, your child may be reassured knowing that you have a first aid kit that is accessible should he need it.
“He should know where to find working flashlights, a battery-operated radio, and extra batteries,” said Kozel.
Set expectations. Some children are excited to stay home alone, because it builds confidence and self-esteem while others take advantage and have parties at their house or call people that they are not supposed to call.
“Your child should know exactly what he is allowed to do and that if he does something he is not supposed to do, that there is a consequence,” said Sharma. “Most kids are okay, but some will push the limits, so parents have to be ready for that and have a plan in place in case that happens.”
Keep safety in mind and consider child-proofing your home before you leave.
“Knives, hand tools, power tools, razor blades, scissors, guns, ammunition and other objects that can cause injury should be stored in locked cabinets or locked storage areas,” said Kozel. Potential poisons like detergents, pesticides, car-care fluids and polishes should also be out of reach. The same applies to medicines.
Give your child a run-down of what you will be doing. Let him know if he can have friends over or watch certain movies.
“He wants to know where you will be, how long you will be gone, and what time you are coming home,” said Sharma.
It is hard to give a recommended age of when a child is ready to stay home alone, and mental health professionals set some loose boundaries.
“Most guidelines say that you should not leave a child who is younger than 12 home alone, but there are a couple of states that allow a child to stay home alone even at the age of 8,” said Sharma. For kids who are babysitting or staying home with a younger sibling, the recommended age tends to be higher, around 15.
Offer feedback.
“Parents can review the night with their child, not just by asking how it went and saying the child did a great job, but actually sitting down and talking about what went really well, when they felt uncomfortable, and giving the child an opportunity to express any worries they have,” said Sharma.
Try not to compare your child to his friends or neighbors’ children. Accept him for who he is, and he will let you know when he is ready to stay home unsupervised.
Jamie Lober, author of Pink Power (www.getpinkpower.com), is dedicated to providing information on women’s and pediatric health topics. She can be reached at jamie@getpinkpower.com. © 2013 Jamie Lober
