Last Saturday, I decided to take a walk with my youngest daughter Julia and get some coffee. It was a brisk morning, she was up, and I know that soon she will outgrow her carrier, which I love using. We walked to the nearest deli, and on our way out, I saw my nanny’s husband walking to work. We said “hello,” and before I could say “good morning,” he was asking why I hadn’t put socks on her.
I was caught off guard. I just wanted to exchange greetings, not feel like I was in trouble or a bad parent. Yes, as I mentioned, it was a brisk morning, but what’s cuter than a barefoot baby? Besides, the rest of her was fully covered, and it’s early August.
Since becoming a parent, I’ve learned that people seem to think they have a license to give other parents unsolicited advice and suggestions.
This used to really bother me.
I’ll never forget going to my mother’s house just a few short months after my oldest child Olivia was born. I was a new mom and still unsure of how to travel with a baby. (Actually, I still don’t know what I’m doing.) She was taking photos of Olivia and had asked me for a blanket.
Well, wouldn’t you know, it was the only thing I hadn’t packed in her enormous baby bag. I had diapers, wipes (both scented and unscented), diaper cream, formula, bottles, bibs, rattles, two changes of clothes as well as pajamas, and anything else you could possibly imagine. I forgot to pack a blanket. Why couldn’t she have asked me for anything else? Anything else and I would’ve looked like supermom.
Instead, she commented, “Ugh, Mothering 101!”
I felt like a huge mom failure, and it wasn’t long before I locked myself in her bathroom, so I could cry. I was new at this parenting game, naturally sensitive, extremely hormonal — and, not to mention, dramatic.
Since then, we’ve had a lot of “incidents.” I didn’t pack enough baby lotion, or the right kind. I didn’t coordinate the girls’ outfits, etc. There’s always something we do (or don’t do) that someone is going to have an opinion about, especially when it comes to parenting. But nowadays, I don’t get so hung up about it. My kids are safe, they’re happy, and they’re fine.
I think parents of older kids and adults see young parents and look back at that time when they were still figuring things out, and when their children were young. Perhaps they are a little wistful when looking back. Giving advice to new parents might make them feel connected to that time in their life again. It really used to bother me as a new mom — all the comments from family, friends, and even complete strangers on how I should do something differently — but now I don’t take it personally. Maybe doling out advice to another parent helps them live vicariously, if only for a moment, through another new mom.
So, if reprimanding me on the street for not putting socks on my baby makes you feel like you’re helping me out, I’ll bite my tongue and resist the temptation to get defensive about my choices. When it comes to parenting, everyone wants to feel like they know best.
