Dear Dr. Karyn,
Thanks for your article last month about giving feedback well! This is a skill I’ve been trying to work on with my kids, and your pointers were really helpful! My trouble is that I’m not great at receiving feedback that my kids or husband give to me. Any tips would be great!
Most of us thoroughly enjoy receiving positive feedback — it’s the negative feedback that is tough to swallow. So hopefully these five tips will help you receive negative and constructive feedback effectively!
Think of feedback as data
If we want to grow personally or professionally, we need to make feedback a top value and cornerstone in our work and home life! Most of us don’t improve without it! Think of feedback as data — it’s simply information that can help you improve. Try not to take it personally.
Focus on the sender’s intent
Ask yourself: who is giving the feedback, and what is his intent? Is his intent to help you or hurt you? While some people know how to give feedback effectively, most other people do not. So, chances are, when you received negative feedback, it was done ineffectively. So focus on the giver’s intent.
If you think the intent was malicious, you would do well to ignore that person’s comments. However, if you think the giver’s intent was to help you improve, pay attention to what he is saying!
Ask for the positives
Don’t be afraid to ask for positives if you are receiving feedback from someone who is only focusing on the negatives instead of letting you also know what you did well. I had a boss years ago that dished out only negative feedback. So one day, I had the courage to tell him that I respond much better (and I’m a much more effective employee) when he can also tell me what I’m doing well. He looked surprised and then tried to give some positives. (It was slightly awkward, but I could see him trying, which made a big difference to me.) To me, hearing both the positives and negatives is a more accurate picture of how I’m doing (which is why I think it’s important for everyone to hear both).
Look for the truth
Most of us, when we hear negative feedback, tend to shut down or zone out. The challenge is that although how a person is saying it (93 percent of communication) is not effective — what he is saying (seven percent of communication) may be nuggets of truth for areas to improve.
Make feedback a cornerstone of life
As I’ve worked with thousands of people (with all kinds of backgrounds, education, professions, and types of families), I’ve learned that people who THRIVE (personally and professionally) are people who are not only OPEN TO FEEDBACK, but also ASK FOR FEEDBACK. I encourage you to make feedback a cornerstone in your life.
Start today! How courageous are you feeling today? I challenge you to ask your spouse: how am I doing as a spouse? Ask your kids to share how you are doing as a parent. Ask your colleagues to tell you how you are doing as a co-worker. When we ASK for feedback, people are more likely to share it, and that information is gold.
Remember that none of us are perfect, but if we strive for excellence, seek out feedback, and try to apply that information, we will grow in all areas of our life!
