Yes, it’s February—the month we commonly associate with
celebrating love. But between keeping your life organized (read: sane) and
keeping the kids happy (read: not crying), this lovey-dovey time of year might
feel far from blissful. So we asked six experts to share their thoughts on marriage,
communication, respect, generosity and making a relationship last. We adore their
candid and honest advice—and hope it lends some
perspective to your own romantic relationships this Valentine’s Day, and
beyond.
“With a newborn, it’s easy to get lost in parenting and
forget about being a good partner. One key ingredient in making our marriage
better after having children was being persistent and consistent about having ‘date
night’ once per week. We began our weekly tradition right after our son was
born and never looked back.”
Lance Somerfeld, NYC Dads Group
“Before kids—conversations over candlelight, after—silence by
nightlight. Parenting responsibilities shift the natural balance of the way
things were in the marriage, time for communication lessens and can leave each
partner feeling that their own needs are left out of the mix. A great weekly
exercise: create space for a five-minute chat during which you each ask one
small thing of the other like take out the garbage, dry cleaning, recyclables,
sleep in for an extra thirty minutes; make the morning coffee, watch a favorite
program (uninterrupted). It can be anything. Just start small, and most
important, honor each other’s one request for that week.”
Renee Sullivan, Parent Coach and
Director of babybites Support Groups
1. No holds barred: Don’t make rules because rules get broken.
Marriage is [a] compromise, not a dictatorship.
2. Respect: Never berate your partner in front of others—if
you disapprove of something, respect your partner enough to speak about your
disapprovals privately and kindly, without judgment.
3. The Emotional & Physical Bank Accounts: Always have a
surplus, never be in debt—because if you aren’t making your partner feel
special and worthy, someone else will.
4. The Mirror: Children are your best mirror, if they are
being unkind to others, chances are, they are picking up negativity in the
household. A positive household makes for a positive marriage.
5. Know Your Flaws: Everyone has them, so fess up and take
criticism like a grown-up. Nobody’s perfect, and you have to be willing to
accept that there are things everyone could change about them selves in order
to better a relationship.
Lori Zaslow and Jennifer Seda Zucher, Founders of Project
Soulmate
“You and your mate are not two halves of a whole. Rather, you
are two wholes who are interconnected to form a team. That does not mean you
have to share all the same tastes in food, movies, music, friends, etc., or
always feel that ‘cosmic’ sense of wonder and awe in each other’s presence. Don’t
attempt to coerce him or her into experiencing the world the same way you do.
Respect the differences, learn from or at least tolerate them. ‘We’ is ‘we’ but
also still ‘you’ and ‘me.’
Sherry Amatenstein LCSW, Author of The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship-Saving Advice from America’s Top 50 Couples
Therapists
“When you angrily call your spouse ‘crazy,’ ‘stupid,’ or ‘naive,’
you are undercutting a basic tenet of healthy communication, the art of
validation. It is far more helpful to say ‘I understand completely how you
arrived at that belief. I really get how passionate you feel about it. While I
don’t agree with you right now, I am going to try real hard to see it through
your lens.’ Thus. . .validation.”
Barry Lubetkin PhD ABPP, Director and Founder of
Institute for Behavior Therapy New York City
“There’s a lot to be said for preventative medicine. So many
couples wait for a crisis to go to couples therapy, but often by then too much
damage has been done. A brief couples treatment—think ten sessions—can help
concerned (but not yet enraged) spouses get past the feelings that are keeping
them at a distance and making their relationship less satisfying than it might
be. Get a referral from someone you trust.”
Darcy Lockman, Clinical Psychologist in practice in New York
City
For more on how to build a fulfilling romantic relationship,
check out “Charting The Heart” at www.newyorkfamily.com.
