“What the hell just happened?!” is how Renee Sullivan, founder of The Moms Groups, describes the reaction most new parents have when a baby enters the picture. “We go from being at the top of our game, the experts in our lives, to beginners seeking showers and sleep,” she says.
For many very valid reasons, parenthood seems to give people tunnel vision and put them in survival mode. The parent’s focus is entirely on meeting her baby’s constant needs, and sleeping and eating whenever possible. But there’s something new moms crave almost as much as these basic physiological requirements: Support.
When The Moms Groups had its first meeting back in 2008, Sullivan wanted to “create a safe space where women could share and get the support they needed for their changing identities.” For many, this meant going from being incredibly productive and self-assured women to uncertain new mothers who suddenly needed a lot of support and answers to all their questions about their growing babies.
“Becoming a mom was such a jarring experience in the beginning, but it also brought such clarity,” Sullivan recalls. “It’s amazing having a baby…but it’s also the most overwhelming shift we have ever experienced in such a short period of time.”
For some women, the friends and family on whom they might have relied in their pre-baby lives suddenly can’t give them the kind of understanding and support they need. This is where The Moms Groups comes into play.
Offering connection, warmth, friendship, openness, learning, and camaraderie, these groups are both structured and casual, allowing the participants to bring up topics that interest them while benefiting from the guidance of a trained facilitator like Sullivan. And for about 90 minutes, either during the day or at night, each week, moms get out of the house for a break where they can connect with women going through exactly the same experience, be it feeling isolated or overwhelmed, confused or frustrated.
Sullivan—or either one of the two other passionate and capable facilitators who are both alumni of the program—will often read the energy of the room and use that as a jumping off point for discussion. Alternatively, if Sullivan notices a lot of emails flying around amongst the women on a specific topic between sessions, she’ll suggest talking about that.
The exchange is usually a balanced mix of what’s draining everyone’s energy and also what’s giving them strength in their day-to-day lives. At a recent meeting, one participant realized that fresh flowers made her happy, so she started buying them every week. Another gushed about how her baby slept nine hours one night. At The Moms Groups, everyone is encouraged to share triumphs and struggles, while Sullivan tries to guide the conversation away from “things,” like strollers and baby carriers. It’s more about the bigger picture topics, like childcare and maternity leave, that cause the most anxiety.
The inspiration for launching The Moms Groups came with the birth of Sullivan’s son. “After being in corporate America successfully for 10 years, working 70 hours a week, I felt a strong desire for more meaningful work and more balance,” she says.
Today, Sullivan is trained as a both birth doula and a Master Certified Coach (MCC). But much of what she brings to the circle is more intuitive, like calling upon her training in improvisation, or on her mediation practice, which she does regularly. “Quieting the mind enables me to listen fully, attend the details, and support each mom,” says Sullivan, who also happens to have a visual-photographic memory that enables her to remember each woman’s name and life story with a natural ease. A mom herself (her son is 9), Sullivan also prides herself on being a source of helpful and accurate information, and is still an avid reader of books and articles on parenting, maternity, and wellness.
Both sides of her expertise—the intuition and the information—are appreciated by her support groups. “Renee has the ability to create such an atmosphere that brings out the best in people. There is no judgment, just honesty and support,” says Lana Masor, who was in a group with other new moms. “She creates a platform for discussion, while at the same time offers her sound and gentle guidance.”
Currently, The Moms Groups’ six-week programs cover expectant moms, new moms, stay-at-home moms, working moms, and second-time moms for continuity of support. Each group consists of 10 women and meets in one of at least 16 different locations throughout NYC.
To date, 4,000 women have gone through the program.
“I want every woman to get whatever support she needs that she isn’t getting from elsewhere,” Sullivan explains.
These days, new moms often look online for guidance. But unlimited access to websites and social media can also result in more questions, rather than substantive answers.
“In 2015, we can easily mine information on the blogs, Facebook forums, and groups,” Sullivan says. “[But] all sources are not created equal. It’s amazing that you can get so many different opinions, but that’s the challenge—there are so many different opinions! This can cause a great deal of anxiety, overwhelm, and disconnect.”
Sullivan also compares the avalanche of information in modern-day childrearing to the fuss-free generation before us, when our parents had only two sources—their families and Dr. Spock—to go to for advice. The best we can do to endure the deluge? “Quiet the noise,” she says, which is what gathering in a circle free of flickering screens for 90 minutes once a week does for the women in The Moms Groups.
“It’s refreshing to the moms in the groups that they have each other—real moms, real conversations—not avatars,” Sullivan notes. “They support each other and lean on each other and use social media as an add-on—a helpful tool. Social media is a great way to share, but
it doesn’t replace a strong desire for live connection and a sense of belonging that we physiologically need for our wellbeing.”
In fact, the friendships that are established in these groups usually go beyond weekly gatherings, to group email chats, walks through the city, lunches, and nights out. The social aspect can be nearly as strong as the emotional and practical support.
And The Moms Groups seem to thrive on authenticity. They’re the kind of place where a woman shows up with her dress on backwards, and everyone laughs about it together (true story, this actually happened).
“They’re funny, real, open, and honest,” Sullivan says of the Groups’ members. “Facebook only shows fabulous pictures of babies on vacations in the Bahamas. You don’t see the poo explosions.”
Said like a true parenting veteran, Sullivan is the kind of person who tells it like it is—which is just what women need when they’re charting new territory with a bewildering, but loveable, baby.
“Motherhood isn’t a piece of cake,” she says before
smiling and adding: “But at least you get to go to the party.”
For more information on The Moms Groups, visit themomsgroups.com.
To read Renee Sullivan’s 7 Tips for New Moms, click HERE!
