My 9-year-old son’s behavior has taken a dramatic turn in recent months. From a “normal,” happy child, he’s become far more irritable, doesn’t sleep well, and his grades have taken a turn for the worse. I think he’s having trouble with classmates in school, but I’m also concerned that being exposed to some family difficulties and disagreements at home is having an impact on him. We still consider ourselves to be good parents, though, so how can we better help our son manage his stress level?
Helping your children cope with stress is both a test of your parenting ability, and of your capacity to discern the root of his behavior. However, as parents, it can be difficult to accept that managing our children’s emotional well-being — particularly when it comes to stress — starts with managing our own well-being.
Each and every one of us, young and old, experiences stress, though the causes of our stress (stressors) are as unique as we are. Stress is the mind and body’s negative response to the demands of interpersonal relationships, environments, circumstances, as well as the perceptions and interpretations of those demands. In children, there are many possible signs of stress, including irritability or unusual expressions of emotion or volatility, sleep difficulty, nightmares, inability to concentrate, drop in grades, bed-wetting, headaches or stomach aches, clinging, regression to earlier developmental levels, isolation from family activities or peer relationships, and drug or alcohol experimentation.
As you seem to know already, parents’ behavior can have as much of an impact on their children’s stress levels as anything the children experience during the school day, which is why one of your most crucial responsibilities as a parent is to keep your stressors from becoming your son’s stressors. Regularly arguing with your spouse in front of your child and leaving those conflicts unresolved can have a negative impact on your son’s stress level. Modeling good behavior by openly resolving the inevitable disagreements that can occur between you and your spouse will not only set a positive example for your son, but it will also make the rest of his day easier.
When it comes to managing your son’s stress levels, make sure that you talk with him — or better yet, listen. If he is unwilling to discuss his feelings right now, be available and open to talk with your son when he is ready. Encourage physical activity and good nutrition, teach your child strategies to help solve his problems, and remind him of his ability to get through tough times with the love and support of his friends and family. Instead of discipline, use encouragement and the lessons learned from consequences when stress causes your son to make poor decisions. All of this can help your son cope with the challenges of the day when you are not around. If his stress continues to be a concern, you should seek the assistance of a physician, school psychologist, school counselor, or school social worker.
Do remember that, for better or for worse, your own behavior has an impact on your children. By working to reduce your own stress levels, and taking steps to ensure that the stresses of your day are not reflected in your behavior around or toward your son, you will be better able to help him with math homework, relationships with classmates, and the multitude of other challenges he faces during a third-grade day.
