In 1967, Aretha Franklin said it all when she belted out her hit song about wanting a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
In their heated quest for love (or sex), many young people seem to ignore or forget that basic notion — one that’s at the core of every healthy relationship. Perhaps we parents should keep reminding them that “old-school” values are always cool and never go out of style.
According to recent statistics, one in 10 teenagers reported experiencing violence in their romantic relationships in the last year, and one in three say that they’ve been verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically abused by a dating partner.
In September, WNYC’s Radio Rookies program — a New York Public Radio initiative that provides teenagers with the tools and training to create radio stories about themselves, their communities, and their world — partnered with Day One, an organization that aims to end dating abuse and domestic violence, to help illuminate the pressing issue of teen dating abuse and take listeners behind the scenes.
Rainy shared her story of survival, and Mari spoke about helping her sister end an abusive relationship.
Rainy
On her high school ID card, Rainy has a black eye. When her guidance counselor inquired, Rainy just told her, “It’s a long story, you’ll get to know me.”
Rainy’s first-person audio diary spanning two years chronicles her sad and painful but, ultimately, positive journey. It aired nationally on the acclaimed public radio show and top iTunes podcast “This American Life,” over the weekend of Sept. 19 and 20. The young teen talks about her roller-coaster relationship: separating, reuniting, and separating again from her older, abusive boyfriend.
Rainy, now 19, hails from Brooklyn but currently lives out of state. She met “Tony” when she was just 14 and he was 21. She says at first, he was sweet. On their first date, he didn’t even try to kiss her. But suddenly, his behavior changed dramatically and he became verbally abusive. Rainy withdrew; she wouldn’t go to school and stopped hanging out with her friends, even her mom. By the time Tony became physically abusive, the scared teen was isolated from anyone who could have helped her.
Rainy opened up about her experience and started reporting her story in 2013, when she and Tony had been broken up for five months. As the piece progressed, she got back together with him then quickly disappeared. Occasionally, she’d show up at school and kept a diary. She was so confused about why she felt compelled to stay. It took a lot of gumption and courage to get out of that messy relationship, especially because she was so young, but Rainy finally left. Even when you’re older, leaving a bad relationship can be hell when you’re a victim of abuse.
Hear Rainy’s story, “Why Do I Stay?” at http://www.wnyc.org/story/why-do-i-stay/
Mari
How do you help someone in an abusive relationship? Figuring that out can be scary and frustrating for a teen. Mari Santos’s older sister Alison always went out with the same type of guys: controlling, possessive, and self-centered. At 18, Mari just figured that when you’re dating someone, you cry, argue, and break up every few weeks. She knew something wasn’t right with that idea, so she joined Relationship Abuse Prevention Program, a school-based, peer education group run by the city. Mari, who now lives in Florida, was living in the Bronx at the time.
Knowledge empowered her, and she soon realized her sister was actually in an abusive relationship. Although terribly worried, she was afraid to talk to Alison, but the sisters wound up having their first open and honest talk on tape.
Listen to Mari’s account, “We Just Don’t Talk: One Family’s Silence About Dating Abuse” at http://www.wnyc.org/story/we-just-dont-talk-one-familys-silence-about-dating-abuse/
The entire series can be found at: http://www.wnyc.org/shows/rookies/series/crushed/
Young women at risk
According to a June 2015 report by the U.S. Dept. of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics:
• Twenty-five percent of women have experienced domestic violence.
• Women ages 20 to 24 are at the greatest risk.
• On average, three women and one man are murdered by their partner each day.
• Two out of 10 female high school students reported being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
• Fourteen percent of teens reported threats from their boyfriend or girlfriend to harm them or themselves to avoid a breakup.
And youth who experience dating violence are more likely to experience the following (according to to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention):
• Symptoms of depression and anxiety.
• Engagement in unhealthy behaviors, i.e. tobacco, drug use, alcohol.
• Involvement in antisocial behaviors.
• Thoughts about suicide.
Young people who are victims of dating violence in high school are at higher risk for victimization during college.
How to help
How can you help? Parents and guardians should do the following:
• Tell your teens and young adults that abusing someone is a choice. People commit domestic violence because they choose to do so, not because they can’t stop themselves.
• That positive, healthy relationships are all about trust and respect. And in time, if that special someone genuinely cares about you, he will show you that he’s sensitive to your needs and feelings.
• Explain that controlling behavior isn’t love.
• Finally, if you or your teen notice that a family member or peer is in a violent relationship, help her get help. Pursuing a protective order reduces the likelihood of a physical attack by about 80 percent.
Teens, remember that no one deserves to be abused. The abuse is never your fault. Everyone has the right to a safe, healthy relationship. In order to protect yourself, you should know the warning signs of an abusive dating partner (see dayoneny.org):
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity.
• Constant put-downs.
• Possessiveness or treating you like property.
• Telling you what to do.
• Constantly checking in on you.
• Explosive temper.
• Making false accusations.
• Isolating you from your friends and family.
• Preventing you from doing things you want to do.
Dating relationships are complicated, especially for teens — and things can easily spiral out of control, so knowledge is power. At Day One, young people between the ages of 16 and 24 learn how to identify and maintain healthy relationships. They can obtain legal protection when necessary and assist others experiencing abuse.
Day One toll-free hotline: (800) 214–4150.
Tammy Scileppi is a Queens-based freelance writer/journalist and parent and a regular contributor to New York Parenting.
