At a Glance:
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How to Stop Measuring Your Motherhood is on the constant comparison around milestones, activities, and behavior can make even deeply devoted moms feel like they’re falling short.
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Moms are expected to be endlessly patient and present while also ambitious, productive, and self-fulfilled — often without enough support.
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When a child’s success feels tied to a mom’s self-worth, or when exhaustion, numbness, and cynicism set in, it’s a signal that the pressure has gone too far.
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Being responsive, emotionally present, and caring for your own mental health matters more than keeping up with external standards.
It shows up early. The baby who cries more than the others. The feeling that your child is that baby on the plane. Or your little one is having their third meltdown, while it seems like every other child is chilling and sharing snacks and taking turns, as if no other kid has ever had a tantrum before. There is nothing wrong with any of this, but there can be a pull that comes with it. Then the pressure grows legs. Schedules fill up. Playdates become social currency. There are activities and milestones to meet, and the list starts to feel endless, and all this is being shared on WhatsApp after you have finished your long day.
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If you are spiraling under that “Good Mother” pressure and invisible standards, and hey, I have been there and still have to catch myself when I am focusing on not being organized enough, not calm enough, or on how well my kid performs, behaves, and adjusts. Because somewhere along the way, motherhood quietly shifts from being a relationship to being something that feels evaluated, and that is something we need to just say “I’m going to pass” on this pressure.
So, how can we get back to not measuring ourselves and giving ourselves grace? We spoke with psychologist and executive coach Dr. Anne Welsh, author of the upcoming book Ambitious Mother, who says this quiet sense of being constantly measured is something she hears from mothers all the time.
We, moms, raise our kids in a great city, but it is also pretty high-achieving, at the park, in education. How does this environment shape moms’ expectations of themselves?
It often leads mothers to believe they have to do and be everything, all at once. High-achievement environments tend to amplify perfectionism, not because moms are unrealistic or ungrateful, but because the bar feels impossibly high and constantly moving.
I see this show up with clients who are doing an extraordinary amount, deeply engaged, thoughtful parents, yet who feel like they’re failing because someone else’s version of motherhood looks more polished, more resourced, or more impressive. When other families appear to be doing more, spending more, or optimizing every aspect of their child’s life, it can quietly erode a mother’s confidence, even when she’s doing the most important things well.
What’s painful is that what looks like “not enough” from the inside is often more than enough in reality. But it’s very hard to hold onto that perspective when you’re immersed in a culture that equates good parenting with relentless investment and visible achievement.
Why do so many of us moms feel that sinking feeling that we are failing when we are exhausted and are doing our best?
Because modern motherhood has become a no-win situation. Expectations have escalated dramatically, and they’re often contradictory. Mothers are expected to be endlessly present, emotionally regulated, and attuned, while also being ambitious, productive, and self-actualized, often with very little support.
Parenting is also one of the most judgment-filled spaces many women will ever inhabit. No matter what choices you make, how you feed your baby, how your child sleeps, whether you work, how much you work, what school your child attends, there’s almost always criticism waiting on the other side. You’re told to push your child, but not too much. To protect them from stress, but also prepare them for a competitive world.
I often say to clients: You’re not failing. You’re navigating an impossible set of expectations. When you’re constantly trying to thread an impossibly thin needle, feeling like you’re failing isn’t a personal flaw, it’s a predictable outcome.
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How can one know when their parenting has turned into unhealthy perfectionism or burnout?
One of the clearest signals is when a child’s behavior or success starts to feel like a verdict on a mother’s worth. When a parent’s happiness feels contingent on how well a child is doing, or when kids start to feel like a project to manage rather than a person to know, that’s a heavy burden for both sides.
Healthy involvement is responsive and attuned. Unhealthy perfectionism often shows up as rigid thinking: It has to be this way or everything falls apart. It’s driven by fear, fear of making mistakes, fear of being judged, fear of failing your child. I see this when moms feel intense shame over very normal parenting moments, like losing their patience, which then makes it harder to repair and reconnect.
Burnout can be quieter but just as important to notice. Chronic exhaustion, cynicism, emotional numbness, or a sense that nothing you do really matters anymore are all red flags. Many mothers tell me they think they should be enjoying their kids more, but can’t access that feeling. That’s not a parenting problem, it’s a depletion problem.
What does “good enough parenting” realistically look like, especially for New York moms?
At its core, good enough parenting looks the same everywhere: being responsive, attuned, and willing to see the child in front of you for who they are. It’s about helping children get their needs met, not shaping them into who you think they should be, or who the environment seems to reward most.
What’s harder in high-achievement cultures is holding onto that clarity when the noise is loud. I work with parents who make very intentional choices that run counter to the dominant culture, whether that’s changing schools, pulling back on activities, or prioritizing mental health over prestige. Often, those decisions are hard precisely because they require trusting your own knowing in a culture that rewards comparison.
Good enough parenting also means keeping yourself in the equation. A mother’s mental health matters deeply to her children. Kids benefit from having a parent who is present and regulated, not one who is constantly depleted or stretched beyond capacity. Caring for yourself isn’t separate from good parenting; it’s part of it.
What’s one shift that can help moms move from comparing themselves to others and circumstances to feeling confident in their parenting choices?
Letting go of the idea that parenting, or motherhood itself, is one-size-fits-all. Each child has unique needs, and each mother has her own values, limits, and desires. When we focus too much on what everyone else is doing, we slowly disconnect from our own intuition, and that’s where confidence erodes.
I often think about it like wearing clothes that don’t fit. You can spend all day adjusting and second-guessing yourself, or you can choose something that actually fits your body and your life. Motherhood works the same way. You are at your best in a version of motherhood that fits you and your family, not one borrowed from someone else.
This is also why I love running groups for ambitious mothers. When women come together and see, in real time, that there are many valid ways to be both ambitious and loving, something softens. The mother who loves her work and could never stay home. The mother who chooses daycare, a nanny, or flexible work. The mother working sixty hours a week and the mother working two. All of those paths can be thoughtful, intentional, and deeply loving. Comparison loses its grip when we see that fit, not uniformity, is the goal.
Dr. Anne Welsh is a clinical psychologist and executive coach who works with ambitious mothers navigating parenting, identity, and high-pressure environments. She is the founder of the Ambitious Mother’s Mastermind and the author of the upcoming book, Ambitious Mother: From Surviving to Thriving in Your Career and at Home (Bloomsbury, 8/6/26). , where women come together to move from burnout and perfectionism toward more sustainable, aligned ways of living and leading.
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