Actress Zooey Deschanel once said she didn’t want to have kids, and instead chose to focus on her career, because that is what she wanted to do at that time.
It didn’t go very well online, as you might imagine, since the internet can be a place for trolls and mean-spiritedness in general. She certainly wasn’t the first woman to express that belief, and she absolutely won’t be the last, and with good reason.
Here’s exactly what she told Marie Claire in 2012:
“That’s never been my focus … My sister [Emily] was always very motherly, babysitting and stuff. I like kids, and I like being around kids — but it was never an ambition, something, like I need … I like working. That’s what I like doing. I like to work.”
Oh my, a woman not wanting kids … cue the end of the world.
Her stance didn’t surprise me. I actually thought, “You go, girl!” Know what you want, and go after it. What did surprise the heck out of me were the comments condemning her feeling that she didn’t want kids. All over the television and the internet, people (mostly women!) felt compelled to point out that she must hate kids, be too selfish to have a child, or just be an eternal child herself, incapable of being a mother.
Seriously?
I think that if a person doesn’t want children, she should be considered to be someone who is one step closer to finding herself because she is paying attention to her individual wants and needs, instead of caving into societal pressure. Isn’t that more mature than, say, having a baby to please mom … or even America?
Today’s women don’t need to have a baby to be complete, as much as they don’t need a man to be whole. In fact, discovering who you are is one of the most beautiful things you can do, and the whole point of why you’re here. In addition, the relationship with yourself is precisely what fosters your relationship with everyone else.
Women in their 20s and 30s should take some time to get to know themselves, enjoy their career and the natural spontaneity that should be a part of every young person’s life. If my daughters (or my son) never have children, I will be more than fine with it. In fact, neither of my daughters want kids, and they are definitely not looking to get married now — or possibly at all. I think it’s awesome.
Why should women feel pressured to reproduce? If they want to, that’s one thing. In 2015, Deschanel changed her mind and celebrated the birth of her daughter, Elsie, and in May 2017, welcomed a son, Charlie.
But if a woman doesn’t want a child, or if she wants to wait, go for it. There is tremendous and unnecessary pressure on women for everything. (As if you’d ever catch anyone questioning a young man about when he’ll have kids!)
Being a mom is a wonderful experience, but it is definitely not the only thing a woman should be, and not every woman wants to be a mother. It doesn’t make her selfish or childlike; it means that she knows who she is and what she wants. And even when a woman is a mother (or a wife), that is just one facet of herself; it is most certainly not the sum of her whole being.
Danielle Sullivan is a writer living in New York City. Follow her on Instagram @Deewrite.
