Every parent of a toddler has been there. It’s dinner time and your 18-month-old wants a cookie instead of his macaroni and cheese. He starts to shriek, kicking and screaming. Soon, it’s a full-blown tantrum. It feels like a Neanderthal has been let loose in your kitchen. What’s a mom to do? Pediatrician and child development guru Dr. Harvey Karp has devised a way to help tame these outbursts. A native New Yorker, Dr. Karp grew up in Bayside, Queens, and graduated from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. He is a pediatrician in private practice in Santa Monica, CA, and an assistant professor at the UCLA School of Medicine. In his new book and companion DVD, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, Dr. Karp posits that in terms of their development, toddlers have much in common with our prehistoric ancestors whose volatile emotions and limited language accounted for their far more primitive society. During the unpredictable three-year period from age one to four, toddlers develop from the “Charming Chimp-Child” of 12 to 18 months, to the 18- to 24-month-old “Knee-High Neanderthal”, to the 2- to 3-year-old “Clever Cave-Kid”, to the 3- to 4-year-old ”Versatile Villager”. In fact, Chapter 1 is entitled, “Help! There’s a Neanderthal in My Kitchen!” Understanding your toddler’s level of evolution is the key to helping your child develop the self-control and ability to regulate his emotions that will serve him well in later life, says Dr. Karp. Given their limited language and self-control, which are further diminished when they are upset, it is no wonder that trying to reason with a screeching toddler or even talk to one in a gentle voice won’t work, says Dr. Karp. Speaking to an upset child in a soothing tone of voice and telling her everything is OK backfires, because the child feels you are ignoring what she wants and that you don’t understand why she’s so upset.
The ‘fast food rule’ Instead, Dr. Karp suggests you acknowledge your child’s feelings and speak to her in a language she will understand — toddler-ese. “When your toddler wants to eat a cookie before dinner, instead of saying ‘No sweetheart, we’re going to eat,’ you say, ‘Cookie, cookie… you want cookie… cookie, mommy… no, sweetheart, no cookie… c’mon, let’s play with your trains and we’ll have cookies after dinner,” Dr. Karp explains. He calls this approach, the “fast food rule”. Not because your toddler wants something else to eat, but because the approach is borrowed from the person who takes your order at a fast food restaurant. “The first thing they do is repeat your order back to you. Then they get on to their agenda,” Dr. Karp explains. He suggests you should do the same thing with your toddler, acknowledging her emotions with sincere empathy in both your words and their delivery, using short phrases and lots of repetition. Most importantly, you should mirror the child’s face and voice, letting her know by your tone of voice and gestures that you understand her plight. Once you have acknowledged their feelings, Dr. Karp continues, most children will stop crying and let you distract them and get on with dinner or whatever else you need to do. “It’s just extraordinary how it works,” says Dr. Karp, who claims his approach leads to “50 to 90 percent less temper tantrums.”
Why it works Why does it work so well? “Because what they want more than anything is the love and understanding of the most important people in their life. If they have that respect and caring, they can do without the cookies. They don’t feel manipulated because it’s from the heart, not a technique. You are connecting from the heart, letting your child know, ‘I get it and I care.’ Toddlers instantly connect with that. They totally understand your body language,” says Dr. Karp. Chappaqua resident Jennifer Naparstek Klein, Psy.D, a child psychologist at the Counseling Center in Bronxville and mother of three-year-old Caleb, believes the “fast food rule” is helpful in many situations. “I like this rule,” she says. “I think it’s good for children of all ages, especially adolescents who can really set you off. It’s also good to use with a spouse. It’s a respectful way to talk to people who you live with and love. I think it’s a good across-the-board rule.” Dr. Klein says she has used many of the ideas Dr. Karp espouses, with Caleb, in the past: “I tried some of the behavioral ideas even before I read the book, for example, trying not to label the child but discussing the behavior, mirroring, praising a child for the positives, using short phrases to communicate as opposed to long complicated ones, and trying to remind myself that he’s not as developed as I am.” In discussing Dr. Karp’s portrayal of toddlers as little cavemen, Dr. Klein says, “I think it’s a good analogy for parents to help them understand that their young children go through stages and that they don’t comprehend complicated language, and that it takes time for their brains to catch up to our level of language development. I don’t think he means it as an airtight scientific comparison, merely as an analogy. Obviously the brain of a child is different from that of a Neanderthal, but it’s a useful analogy. Our children are pre-wired to learn language and this sets our children apart from fully developed primitive man.”
Timing is everything Dr. Karp’s book and DVD stress that toddler-ese is for use in the throes of a tantrum and not a way to communicate with your child when things are calm. While you always need to keep in mind your child’s developmental stage when communicating with him, in the throes of a tantrum, Dr. Karp says, toddlers’ ability to comprehend language is clouded by their emotions, so simplifying what you say to them is essential to good communication. “We all get primitive when we’re upset. That’s why we say someone ‘went ape.’ Toddlers start out primitive. That’s why, [when they are angry or frustrated], they really go prehistoric,” he adds. Elizabeth Frogel, a stay-at-home mom who lives on the Upper West Side, says she and husband Jason, an investment banker, have used many of Dr. Karp’s techniques successfully with their 16-month-old daughter, Ava. “There are so many things we found to be helpful with his book and his theories. We found the most important part to be the animated talking and movements, showing her we understand what she is saying by using the animated hand movements and facial expressions. For example, we’ll say, ‘I know you don’t want me to wipe your nose, no nose, no nose.’ Her eyes open wide as she realizes we understand what she’s saying and she just lets go of her tantrum,” Frogel says. Frogel thinks Dr. Karp’s theory that toddlers are like little cavemen is right on the mark: “I thought it was amazing that no one had thought of it before, because when you watch them, it’s just how they act. They’re like monkeys, cavemen, and eventually you can reason with them. You think about these things, that my child, she’s uncivilized. I describe Dr. Karp as an out-of-the-box thinker. I think he’s right; it’s the key to understanding them.” Both Dr. Klein and Frogel were heartened by Dr. Karp’s reassuring message that toddlerhood is a difficult stage in which it is a child’s “job to scream, slap and spit.” “I love Dr. Karp’s suggestion to keep saying to yourself, ‘I am millions of years more advanced than [he] is.’ It’s a good thing in a crisis moment for the parent of a toddler to remind himself or herself, so you don’t feel like a failure as a parent,” Dr. Klein notes. Frogel adds, “I was so excited to hear that the Terrible Twos start in the second year, not when she’s two. It was nice to be validated.” In discussing his book, Dr. Karp says he encourages parents to get the DVD as well, so they can see his approach in action. Frogel says she found the DVD particularly helpful. “You can watch the DVD with your partner, which is great because you have to be on the same page with your partner in parenting. I think Dr. Karp is animated, and a lot of the things he’s asking you to do, you have to see. It’s also more believable on the DVD,” she maintains. In addition to his approach for dealing with tantrums, Dr. Karp’s book also contains sections on sleep problems, biting, separation, finicky eating, toilet learning, fears, new siblings, and other common toddler issues.
Tantrum Tamers — tried and true
By Kristen J. Gough
Two hours into the five-hour flight from LaGuardia to Salt Lake City, it started. Screaming. An all-out tantrum. Mark and Kathryn Newman of Tuckahoe tried everything to appease their then two-and-a-half-year-old son, Josh. “We had bought new toys just for the flight. We tried snacks. We tried playing with the telephone,” explains Mark. “Nothing would distract him from the tantrum.” Instead of angry looks from other passengers, the Newmans were met with sympathetic nods. After a tense hour or so, Josh finally fell asleep. “When I got off the plane I couldn’t imagine ever getting back on. I never wanted to fly with my two-year-old again,” says Mark. Thankfully, a later flight time and a larger plane seemed to appease Josh on the return trip. Like many parents, the Newmans had to deal with their share of tantrums when their son was young. Yet with a little know-how — and a lot of patience — parents can make their children’s tantrums less intense and even less frequent. “Tantrums are part of a normal developmental step,” explains Dr. Angela Seracini, director of the Behavior Disorders Clinic in the Pediatric Psychiatry Service at Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital of New York-Presbyterian. “Little kids become frustrated because they have the drive to be more independent and autonomous, yet they can’t do it by themselves. Sometimes they have a system overload.” Most children start exerting their independence somewhere around their first birthday. By the age of two, many toddlers have mastered meltdowns. For most, tantrum triggers can be as simple as not getting the color lollipop they want. Other factors are often at play, such as hunger or tiredness. By the time children reach the age of four, most have outgrown tantrums. While not completely preventable, careful preparation can help you avoid tantrums or provide a way to diffuse them quickly. “Slow down and plan ahead,” counsels Laurie DeCicco, who offers parenting workshops through her company, Pebbleworks, based in Croton-on-Hudson. DeCicco describes the toddler years, between two and four, as a time of transition for children: “It is a time when their bodies are rapidly changing. Their eating habits are adjusting as well as their sleep habits. Many toddlers are ready to give up their naps — even though they still need their nap.” DeCicco understands the amount of stress dealing with tantrums can wreak on parents. “During the tantrum phase, which my youngest child is in now, children become so overwhelmed they are unable to communicate and have a meltdown over the simplest things.” Look for your child’s tantrum triggers. Instead of immediately disciplining the child, consider what might be the underlying cause for the behavior. Melissa Schill of Brooklyn found that her three-year-old daughter Anne was always acting up when she took her to the doctor. “She would kick and scream as soon as we got to the office,” recalls Schill. “She would scream, ‘I hate him,’ to the doctor. I always left mortified.” Schill wondered if part of her daughter’s reaction was caused by nervousness. She found a book on visiting the doctor’s and bought Anne a play medical kit. Before appointments, Schill would read the book with her daughter and encourage her to play doctor. Now, Anne doesn’t mind seeing the doctor and Schill makes sure Anne has had plenty of sleep and snacks before they go. According to Dr. Seracini, if you describe a new or unfamiliar situation to your child ahead of time, she will be better equipped to handle it. “Talk to your child about what’s going to happen,” says Dr. Seracini. “And explain what your expectations are for his or her behavior.” For instance, many parents struggle when taking children shopping. Younger children want to touch everything and older children want to buy everything. Talk to them at their level about what is going to happen. Agree on a special treat the child can pick out at the store, or on a reward, such as reading a favorite book together afterwards, if the child behaves. Some tantrums defy explanation. For the all-out screaming and yelling routine, Dr. Seracini suggests ignoring the behavior as long as the child is not endangering himself or someone else. Often the child loses interest in acting out when he doesn’t get a reaction. Parents might give the child time to cool down, either in a special chair or in her room. Some children simply want to be held and soothed. Remember that different strategies work better at different times. As a child gets older, parents can initiate consequences for bad behavior. Karen Perkins of New Rochelle has six children who age in range from one to seven. She’s heard her share of screams and whines. “Generally, I tell my toddlers that they either have to stop or they will have a timeout or lose privileges. It depends on the situation,” says Perkins. “If everyone else is getting popsicles, then that child doesn’t get one. If everyone else gets to watch TV, that child can’t. But you have to do what you say you’re going to do.” Experts agree that most children are seeking attention with their tantrums. Dr. Seracini advises parents to use that to their advantage. Withdraw attention during bad behavior and praise good behavior afterward. “Especially with older children, try to step up a whole system of telling them what a positive alternative is to their behavior,” she says. If a child is, for instance, kicking a baby sister, give her a better behavior to imitate. Help her stroke the baby’s face or sing a lullaby. Both Dr. Seracini and DeCicco suggest that parents change their mindset when it comes to tantrums. Instead of getting frustrated or angry, which fuels and intensifies the tantrum, try to think of it as a developmental stage. While that might be difficult to do when your child is grabbing every candy bar in sight from the grocery counter, remember that he is learning how to control his impulses and he needs your help. Believe it or not, your toddler is not trying to upset you. In the end, the Newmans learned their lesson about flying: Josh does not like enclosed spaces. When choosing flights, they look at plane configurations versus ticket prices. They opt for larger planes with four-seat rows so Josh has plenty of room to stretch out with mom and dad. They also bring along a portable DVD player to make the flight easier on him — and on them.
