Families run better with good rules, so it’s not surprising that parents want to make rules about how kids use technology.
Lots of organizations have offered well-intended versions of online dos and don’ts, and plenty of parents have written about their efforts to create kids’ guidelines for computers, video games, and cellphones. Perhaps the most celebrated recent attempt was a list of iPhone rules, written by Janell Hofman, that went viral earlier this year on JanellBurleyHofman.com.
Rules have their place, but they don’t last long online. A rule that seemed perfectly reasonable yesterday may be outdated and easy to ignore tomorrow. In such a rapidly evolving environment, many parents are turning to something more flexible — contracts that they write, and rewrite — with their children. One particularly engaging example of this kind of contract was written by Dr. Lynn Schofield Clark, author of “The Parenting App: Understanding Families in the Digital Age.”
Clark says her goal was to “put learning first,” by encouraging her kids to think for themselves about what kinds of online experiences were good for their family. She was also open to the possibility that her kids would want to make rules about her use of technology. Although her approach might not work in every family, it does lay the groundwork for open conversations, making it more likely that children will turn to parents, if they encounter online situations that are confusing or risky.
The kind of technology contract likely to work in your household will, of course, depend upon the ages and inclinations of your kids. Regardless of age, here are some questions that need to be considered:
• What interactive devices are being used in our family? You’ll want different rules for cellphones, tablets, computers, and gaming systems. If family members share equipment, you may need to establish priorities — for example, homework takes precedence over games and social media. Your contract can also specify how you will share interactive experiences. Will you play games together? Share videos? Create a shared album of favorite digital photos?
• What kind of supervision makes sense? The right kind of supervision makes kids feel safer and reinforces a sense of conscience. Will you check phone bill for calls to numbers you don’t recognize? Will you use monitoring software that alerts you if your child strays onto an adult website or sends too much personal information? Be open about what you plan to do and why.
• How much time should we spend online? Think about when it’s OK or even necessary to be connected. When is it important to be offline? As individuals? As a family? Some parents set up a docking station for cellphones in the kitchen or family room. All devices go to sleep at an agreed upon time.
• What information are we willing to share online? What one person posts on social media often has implications for other family members, so it’s important to discuss what can be shared. Is it ever appropriate to post an address or phone number? How much are you willing to divulge about family activities, including vacations? When is it OK for parents to post pictures of kids and vice versa?
• How will we keep our family internet system secure? Is it ever OK to share passwords with anyone except parents? What are house rules about downloads including games, music, and videos? Kids need to know that these often carry malware, which can compromise family security.
• Who is allowed to purchase things online? Think about physical items — clothing, posters — as well as virtual goods: games, music, books. Younger children should get permission for any purchase. For teens, an online allowance may be appropriate. Like any allowance, agree in advance on terms — is the money contingent on behavior, chores, grades?
• What kinds of online activity should kids report to parents? Being online involves trust because parents can’t supervise the way they can in other settings. Establish the expectation that your child will come to you immediately, if he encounters bullying, sexting, or any kind of invitation from online strangers.
• What are the penalties for breaking the contract? Losing access to a device is an obvious consequence, for adults as well as kids. Your contract might also include the possibility of additional monitoring for family members who don’t follow the rules.
Remember that the point of this exercise is to begin an ongoing conversation to help you understand how your children are using technology, so you can make rules that will help your kids become as safe and responsible online as they are in the real world.
Carolyn Jabs raised three computer-savvy kids, including one with special needs. She has been writing Growing Up Online for more than 10 years, and is working on a book about constructive responses to conflict.
Copyright 2013, Carolyn Jabs. All rights reserved.
