Texting literally drives me nuts. I press the wrong letter all of the time. I get frustrated because I want to send a long-winded message, and the darn thing keeps auto-correcting me. I’d much prefer to send a real note via my computer or just pick up the landline (Shh … I still have one of those).
I know I sound ancient, but what has the world come to? No one uses words anymore. We’ve graduated to emoticons and abbreviations. For a person who makes a living with words, this is downright depressing!
I can’t even get a hold of my kids normally anymore. If I want to hear from my son, who now lives on his own in the big city, I have to send him a text to tell him to check his e-mail. My younger daughter even thinks e-mail is antiquated. It’s as if telephones and normal correspondence never existed. Try asking a 14-year-old to send a thank you note. You have to remind him that you mean put a pen to paper and a stamp on an envelope!
Has the digital world morphed our communication skills into bits and bytes for the long haul? We know that texting is not going away. The ease, convenience, and instantaneous response aspects of texting are just too enticing. According to the findings of a September 2014 Gallup poll, “Texting is the most frequently used form of communication among Americans younger than 50.”
So, what does this say about communication between family members? Does living in the same household somehow trump the new techno talk? No matter what you prefer — texting or real-time, verbal banter — it’s time to examine if this new form of communication is for better or for worse.
What’s missing in a text?
We’ve all read books that have excited various emotions. However, texting is communication a la shorthand, so much is lost in the translation.
“Face-to-face conversations allow us to notice cues about the other person’s emotions, such as eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, body posture, and the timing and intensity of response,” says Heather Leneau Bragg, a learning specialist and author of the book “Learning Decoded: Using Your Child’s Unique Learning Style to Improve Academic Performance.” “Texting cannot offer these important pieces of information, which can be key to understanding, communication, and connecting with others.”
“Texting certainly makes it easier to avoid real communication and having to say something directly to someone’s face,” says Rebecca Levey, family tech expert, host of ParentingBytes (a CBS podcast exploring parenting in the digital age), and co-founder of KidzVuz (a media company posting reviews of products by kids and for kids). She explains that this is one of the reasons why it’s much easier to bully via text.
How many times have you personally experienced a misunderstanding when texting (or even e-mailing) is involved? Perhaps you are very angry with your teenage daughter who is late for dinner because she is hanging at a friend’s house. If you text, “You need to get home,” she might interpret this as I should start thinking about getting home, instead of I better leave right now. However, misinterpretation is not the only issue. Should we also worry that the tech generation has lost the ability of effortless, in-person, social conversation?
“When children (or adults) become more dependent on texting as communication, they often become averse to spontaneous conversation. Live conversations involve more vulnerability, with little opportunity to hide emotions and reactions. Being able to have live conversation is a foundational ability for meaningful connection,” Bragg continues.
Levey points out that there could be a decrease in independence with some children because of the too readily available communication. In other words, kids might be less likely to fend for themselves if they can instantaneously request help from Mom instead.
Maintaining family connection
“If communication is suffering, then parents need to be the first ones to put away their phones,” Levey advises. “Kids take cues from their parents.”
Levey suggests finding time for board games, going for walks, and cooking together as options for hanging out and spending quality time.
“If a parent doesn’t prioritize that time, then they can’t expect the kids to,” she says.
Bragg states, “Family can and should be the safest place to work on communication, connection, vulnerability, and conflict resolution. Important conversations should happen face-to-face, not via text.”
When communication happens via text as opposed to in organic conversation, “Children are less likely to learn compassion and empathy, as well as how to interpret non-verbal cues such as body language, gesture, and tone of voice,” Bragg clarifies.
Bragg also explains that texting can reduce the amount of interaction we have with our children during family rituals, such as meals, bath time, and bedtime. Establishing these rituals builds and maintains familiarity and connection.
“It is prime time for understanding each other and what makes each family member tick.” She warns, however, that dinner conversations should not be about stressful issues. “This is a time to share about each other’s lives and not the best time to grill your child on his latest test grade or rule infraction.”
Levey claims that family dinner has been in jeopardy for quite some time, due to parents working longer hours and kids participating in more after-school activities.
“Taking back family dinner is really important, not just for family communication, but studies show that lack of family dinner time impacts, grades, behavior, and health,” she says.
Setting meal times and encouraging everyone (even young children) to participate, such as setting the table and helping with cooking, will strengthen family connection.
Even when it is literally impossible to sit for dinner together — because of conflicting work schedules, for instance — finding time on weekends for a family breakfast or planning other activities where everyone participates — sans phones — will encourage intimacy and family bonding. Some families also opt to have regular family meetings, where everyone has a chance to talk about something that’s bothering them or to share something they want feedback on. This is a two-way street: both parents and children should share what is going on in their hearts and minds.
Set guidelines and limits
Texting can be useful and desirable in certain situations, particularly when a phone call can be disruptive or immediate assistance is needed. Problems tend to arise when texting is the predominant form of communication, or when texting becomes such an obsession that other modes of communication and socialization are lost.
“Tech is awesome in moderation. Look for the ‘happy medium,’ ” Bragg states. “Being able to shelve the phone as often as possible allows more opportunities to connect with our children. Be present, not checked-out or escaping elsewhere,” she urges.
Texting before sleep can also become a problem.
According to an article published by the National Sleep Foundation titled “Electronics in the Bedroom: Why it’s Necessary to Turn Off Before you Tuck In,” “Texting and e-mailing after lights out, even once per week, dramatically increases self-reported daytime sleepiness among teens.”
Bragg concurs that checking the phone and staying up to text negatively affects healthy sleep patterns. She recommends that phones be left in another room at bedtime.
Texting can be a safety hazard in certain situations, or even downright rude. All family members should refrain from texting while:
• Driving
• Sitting in a class or lecture
• Operating machinery
• Attending an event where silence or attention is expected (i.e. churches, concert halls, funerals, etc.)
• Eating meals with others
• Crossing the street
• Having a conversation with someone
Myrna Beth Haskell is an award-winning author, columnist, and feature writer. Her work has appeared in national and regional publications across the U.S., as well as internationally. For more information, please visit: www.myrna
When texting provides safety
Let’s not forget that texting can also provide an invaluable safety net. Cellphone users should be aware of the availability of the following safety services, features, and notifications. Sometimes, during widespread emergencies, text messages may go through when phone calls do not:
College students: Sign up for your campus emergency text notification system.
Parents: Register for your public school’s notification system and allow text notification if offered.
Hospital emergency rooms: Some allow consumers to access emergency room wait times via text — check with your local hospital.
Wireless Emergency Alerts: This public safety system allows customers who own certain wireless phones and carriers to receive text-like messages alerting them of imminent safety threats (i.e. extreme weather, Amber alerts, and other national emergencies).
Text-to-911: In the future, this service will be available throughout the U.S. For updates to service areas: www.fcc.gov
Crisis Text Line (71741): Trained crisis counselors assist those in crisis via text. Local churches, community centers, and health networks sometimes offer similar services. Note: Teens, in particular, often prefer to text, rather than talk about problems.
