Editor’s Note: In honor of National Adoption Month this month, we’re re-posting this important story by one local mom who has made it her mission to bring children in need of a family together with loving prospective parents. Please check out Help Us Adopt, Becky Fawcett’s great organization that provides financial support to families going through the adoption process.]
Ever thought about adopting? As an adoptive mother of two, I will never tell anyone that the process is easy. Worthwhile? Yes. And would I do it again? In a heartbeat. But wanting to adopt and being willing and able to adopt are two very different things. People adopt for many different reasons—mine was infertility—but whatever the reason, the adoption process is expensive and complex. No two adoptions are the same, and there are always bumps in the road. My son, Jake, is eight and my daughter, Brooke, is four. They both know they are adopted, and it is part of our life as a family. I am frequently asked to talk to friends of friends about adoption, and the conversation usually goes like this: Can you please talk to my friend and tell them what they really need to know?
I am not an adoption attorney or licensed social worker. I write a blog (An Infertile Blonde), and have worked in the adoption field for six years as the founder of Help Us Adopt, which provides financial assistance to families who need help affording their adoption. It’s hard for me to come up with the most important thing you need to know but I will say this: Yes, I was scared. Every time I got overwhelmed I remembered this: Scores of families have adopted and made it through to the other side happily. I just kept remembering how much I wanted to be a mom and how much the child I was going to adopt would fill my heart. Here are my top tips—parent to prospective-parent—on beginning the adoption journey.
1. Adoption is not a word that should be whispered. Gone are the days when adoption equaled shame and secrecy, which, quite frankly, wasn’t good for anyone or any situation—much less a child and their family experience in this world.
2.People adopt for many different reasons, but 80 percent of the people who adopt are failed infertility patients. Like me, adoption is their only option to become parents—the only option to build a family. Another important factor to be aware of is that anyone can adopt—married couples, non-married couples, single parents, and the LGBT community, to name a few.
3. Adoption is expensive. It is not uncommon for a private adoption to cost $30,000-50,000 or more. This lump sum is due in full and up front (although not all at once) before you can officially adopt your child, and it often presents a financial obstacle for prospective parents.
4. Fostering is a great option. Foster care adoption through the New York State Department of Social Services is one option that is free. This process is also long and arduous. There are over 500,000 amazing children in our foster care system each year, and if you are interested, information on foster care adoption is readily available from the Dave Thomas Foundation.
5. Domestic vs. international. Choosing your specific adoption path is a very personal decision. Ask yourself some questions: Do you want a newborn? Do you want a toddler or an older child? Are you looking to have knowledge about the birthparent and an open adoption, or are you more interested in adopting a child from an orphanage oversees? Are you open to adopting a child of a different race? Would you be open to a child of special needs? These are all questions that are vital to moving forward. Additionally, domestic adoption law is not federal. It is state-specific and can have various caveats based on where you live in regard to where the baby is born. International adoption is also tricky because each country has different laws and they do change frequently, from country to country.
6. Attorney or Agency? Once you decide how you want to adopt—i.e. domestic, international, or foster care–your first step will be to hire an adoption attorney or adoption agency. Many people assume that lawyer adoptions are much more expensive than agency adoptions, but my experience has been the complete opposite. Please know that all adoptions will require a lawyer at some point in the process. Choosing the right type of adoption professional is important when finding someone to guide you.
7. Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. As you progress through your adoption planning, be wary of professionals for hire who are not legally required pieces of the puzzle, such as “facilitators.” Everyone is willing to help you for a fee: some are necessary expenses, and some are not. It’s hard for me to believe that not all adoption professionals are in business to help people build families. But just like in any other field, the adoption world has bad seeds.
8. Research, ask questions, and trust your gut. While it’s always important to research a new topic and learn as much as you can on your own, I do not advise simply Googling “adoption.” You will be overwhelmed. Even after two adoptions, I still get overwhelmed by the amount of information available. The other downfall is that you will read about every horrible adoption-gone-wrong story, making you want to run for the hills. Unfortunately, the bad stories are the ones to make the headlines. Your adoption professional should always be your go-to on all questions concerning your adoption, and they should always answer your questions in full. If you do not understand an answer, ask the question again—you need to be completely in the know.
9. Open vs. closed adoptions. A closed adoption is a situation where the adoptive parents and the birth parents do not meet and no information is exchanged. While there aren’t too many closed adoptions these days, they do still exist. It is my opinion that closed adoptions aren’t good for anyone—from the birthmother and the adoptive parents, right down to the adoptee—as they were typically shrouded in undue mystery. Information and knowledge are powerful, especially in regard to your personal journey. In an open adoption, one or both of the birth parents select the adoptive parents and then meet them before the birth. Basic information is exchanged and a relationship is built prior to the birth of the child. A post-birth communication plan is created by your adoption professionals, and communication boundaries are set. Both of my adoptions are open, and I am so grateful to not only have met both of my children’s birthmothers, but also to have information about them to pass on to my children. This openness is what scared me the most about the adoption process initially, but it really turned out to be a fear of the unknown.
10. Talk about it. A lot! You might find this awkward and uncomfortable at first, but force yourself to do this. You will be pleasantly surprised at how many people in your day-to-day network are connected to adoption. Talk to as many people as possible and ask questions, ask them to share their experiences with you, and ask to meet their children. Also, make sure that you have a “buddy”—a therapist, a support group, or even a pet (don’t laugh)—that you can confide in along the way. Only you and your partner or spouse can make the decisions along the way, but you should not shoulder the emotion alone.
Becky Fawcett is the founder and executive director of helpusadopt.org which provides financial aid to couples trying to adopt.
For online adoption resources, click here.
