Dear Sharon,
My daughters are 5 and 2. The older one is old enough to know that it’s not alright to hit. How do we deal with the 2 year old, who doesn’t understand this yet? She’s continually provoking her big sister.
Dear Parents,
Almost all siblings provoke each other and it’s rarely, if ever, easy for parents to resolve ensuing conflicts. When siblings hit it can be particularly challenging.
Provocative behavior, such as hitting, is usually much more common when children are bored or frustrated. As 2- and 5-years-olds usually can only play together for short amounts of time (their abilities and interests differ), boredom or frustration can quickly and easily surface.
Two-year-olds in particular often crave attention (even when it’s negative), have boundless energy, and are notoriously impulsive. Therefore, it is common for a 2-year-old to lash out at an older sister who does not want to play 2-year-old games or does things more easily.
Saying, “Don’t hit!” to a two year old, unfortunately, usually has a limited effect. However, taking time to listen to the inevitable frustrations of each child (you don’t necessarily have to fix things) can help reduce pent-up emotions and calm frayed nerves.
I believe that stopping your child from hitting before it begins is probably a parent’s most effective and preventative tool. It can help when the parents of young siblings think of themselves as running a small “program” which requires interesting age-appropriate activities for each sibling as well as a tremendous amount of patience and attention.
Developing clear schedules that keep both children happily occupied and arranging for another child or mother’s helper to come by at particularly trying times of the day (i.e. when dinner needs to be prepared) can also make a huge difference.
Siblings have a deep and important relationship. They often share even the slightest emotions with each other in less than ideal ways. When your daughters are older, the current developmental differences will be less noticeable and they will be able to engage with each other for longer periods of time in more productive ways (at least some of the time).
Best wishes as you weather your current storm — calmer times will inevitably come.
