Under Pressure

The New York Times unleashed a one-two punch last week on the topic of parental love and achievement, first with David Brook’s column about how parents may be making their love for their children more conditional than they realize by inadvertently linking it to success in school, and in their various pursuits; and then in a feature story about success and suicide at a top-rung high school in Silicon Valley. Read them and relate. I’m not sure what achievement-minded parent wouldn’t wonder themselves whether they’ve crossed the line at times, or worse. Which brings me to last Wednesday night.

It was late, and I nagged at my daughter, soon to be 15, for not living up to her promise of trying to get more sleep. She seemed distracted, annoyed. That fed my annoyance. But then, quite unexpectedly, she started talking quickly and anxiously, and with some tears, about the unfairness of some teachers, with their over-the-top homework assignments and tests, and how demanding softball was, and some mini-drama with friends, and just how hard it is. By instinct, I’m an advice giver, but in the moment, I found myself holding back, shutting up, and thinking the best thing I could right now was listen, and listen, and commiserate. She goes to an academically competitive high school, and my general impression is that she’s accepting of the deal: Good friends, good teachers, academic rigor, and lots of pressure. The question is whether she is being true to herself (I think so) or a path my wife and I—and our slice of achievement oriented society—have encouraged.

And maybe the flare-up had everything to do with getting her report card the next day. A lot of the immediate worries seemed to recede once she saw her grades. And, if I am to be honest, it’s not like my wife and I had no interest in her grades.

Eric Messinger is the editor of  New York Family. He can be reached at emessinger@manhattanmedia.com.