If “necessity is the mother of invention,” then it was out of necessity that prompted young mother, Ada Calhoun, to write her book, “Instinctive Parenting.” While pregnant, Calhoun, founding editor-in-chief of Babble.com, prepared herself for motherhood by buying and reading various books on parenting. Rather than finding reassuring information to guide her forward, what she read made her more “neurotic and confused.” There was an overwhelming amount of information, with experts proffering conflicting advice on the ‘right’ way to raise kids. What this soon-to-be mom was looking for were messages and stories about parenting that were reassuring and illustrated the joys and challenges of being a parent in a non-judgmental way. Two years after the birth of her son, Oliver, Ms. Calhoun wrote “Instinctive Parenting” to share her personal journey as a parent, guided by instinct and love.
There are seemingly so many right and wrong ways to parent touted by books and online sources. Yet your book advises to simply listen to your gut. It seems too obvious, but a lot of parents have forgotten or have never known how to do this. Why do you think that is?
I think parents are in the pursuit of what’s best for their kids so they seek out as much information as possible to accomplish that goal. They just want to know all the options, and it is natural to get overloaded and overwhelmed. But it distracts you from using your gut, which can be stressful for the parents and the children.
Do you think previous generations of parents were more instinctive? Is this a recent trend that parents feel so overwhelmed and conflicted in deciding what’s best for their child?
Our Baby Boomer parents before us tended to be more hands off. We are the generation of ‘latch key’ children, watching our parents approach their parenting roles with more relaxed standards. They were more apt to smoke and take a drink around us. They wanted to encourage independence, freedom and self-reliance earlier. As a generation, they probably left us alone a lot more. It could have been a result of the fact that their parents were stricter with their upbringing. As a reaction to that, the pendulum is swinging back the other way, with Generation X parents wanting to be more hands on and more active in our children’s lives. In this pursuit, we open ourselves up to wanting to follow or find the “right” method or the “right” approach to help create the perfect childhood for our children. So finding ourselves conflicted actually came from a good place.
In the book you say that kids need 3 simple things: food, shelter, and love. That’s such a refreshing message. Do you find that thinking of parenting in those terms makes it less stressful?
I find that focusing on these simple things helps me remember what’s important to me—raising a fulfulled
child and a good citizen of the world. In remembering that your children
need you to love them and to keep them safe makes everything else seem
unimportant. I find that following your gut and blocking out the “do it
this way” or “don’t do it this way” approach help you focus on the
basics. We just have to remember they are children and not projects.
On the other hand,
some people might say that approach is too simplistic. How would you
respond to them?
This book is
about my personal journey to find a parenting approach that worked for
me. It is about focusing on the most important things, finding what
works for you as a parent and about not letting the pressure and
opinions overwhelm you.
How does today’s
culture of “over-parenting” negatively affect our kids, us as parents
and our relationship with our partners/spouses?
I think it leads to
a lot of stress for everyone: parents, children and couples alike. It
is hard to relax and be focused on nurturing your family. The stress can
also cause or increase tension between couples. We lose the ability to
enjoy our roles.
Can you give an example of the kind of
behavior that your book is trying to reverse— the obsessive parenting
you encourage people to step back from?
Judgmental
behavior. Being so obsessive makes us quick to judge— ourselves, our
children and even our partners when we feel that one of us has not done
everything “just so.” We extend this judgmental attitude to other
parents as well. This is divisive behavior for all of us. I would like
to see us bring back a sense of community and trust. We all need each
other to succeed.
What is the best
reaction you have gotten from readers of your book?
A family member,
whom I was not close to, approached me to confess that up to recently,
she did not enjoy being a mother to her young child. She found it
stressful. After reading my book, she said she changed her outlook and
behavior and that made a big difference. That was a great compliment.
What are the top 3
messages from the book that you would want people to remember?
Relax. Realize
that there are an infinite number of ways to raise happy children.
Remember to enjoy each other.
