After working briefly as a nanny in her early 30s, Tasha Blaine had firsthand knowledge of what a difficult role it is to navigate.%uFFFD
Her experience drove her to delve deeper into the inner world of nannies and tell their stories from their perspectives. After spending five years conducting research, Blaine, a mother of two who completed her MFA at New York University, wrote the compelling new book, “Just Like Family.” It focuses on three nannies: Claudia, a Caribbean woman in New York struggling to support the son she left behind; Vivian, a white, collegeeducated woman from Boston who won a Nanny of the Year award from the International Nanny Association; and Kim, a recently divorced nanny from Texas who dreams of having a family of her own.
Tell us about the New York City nanny profiled in the book, Claudia, and the family she worked for.
I was interested in Claudia’s employer because they were a working family navigating the relationship versus a family who is wealthy and used to having help around the house. Claudia had been with the family eight years and was with the children since they were infants. But being a nanny is not something she chose to do. In order to write Claudia’s story, I spent time with her at the home of the family she worked for and on the children’s play dates and classes. I also spent time with her at her home in Brooklyn with her daughter.
Is it unrealistic for parents to expect nannies to love the kids they’re paid to care for?
I don’t think it is unrealistic. Even when a nanny hates her job, it is mostly because of difficulties with the parents—not the children. Claudia is a little quieter about how she loves the kids. She took a three-week vacation and had been looking forward to the vacation for so long. Afterwards, I was hanging out with her in Brooklyn one day and she just said she was ready to go back to work—she missed the kids.
Respect is a central theme in your book. The nannies profiled in the book often say they don’t get any. How can parents be better about this?
It is a very difficult thing to skate the line in treating someone like family and also an employee. Nail everything down ahead of time (overtime, what you do if you are late, discipline issues, vacation days etc.) For instance if you are coming home 15 minutes late from work everyday and you aren’t saying anything, the nanny is going to feel like you think she doesn’t have a life that she wants to get back to (and obviously parents can have the same complaint about their nanny being late). A nanny will appreciate any kind of structure that you can bring to the job.
Throughout the book, there are situations where the nannies decide to stay silent about things that are upsetting them because they fear losing their jobs. How can parents and nannies do a better job of opening the lines of communication?
Check in with each other—e.g. How was Lucy’s dance class, Jackson’s play date?
In terms of the silent
thing, it isn’t just fear of losing their jobs. Nannies definitely have
opinions— Claudia, for example, just didn’t feel like it was her place
to say. I interviewed one nanny in New York whose boss was having a
third child, and the nanny told the mother that it wasn’t a good idea
because she didn’t spend that much time with the two that she currently
had. When the woman had the third child, the nanny said the kids are
suffering, you need to be home with them more.
What happened?
The mother took it
in stride and she changed her schedule to be with the kids a bit more.
There is a surprising amount of candor at times.
Can you elaborate on the
economic disparity between nannies and the families they work for? This
automatically makes for an imbalance.
I think it is really uncomfortable for
families who didn’t grow up with nannies in their homes. It doesn’t
necessarily come natural to people.
I wouldn’t complain about
being broke to a nanny. If you are feeling upset because you can’t send
your kid to private school, you need to realize that your nanny is
operating on a different level. A lot of nannies don’t have a 401K or
retirement fund. There’s no answer to the question of what happens to
these women after they get past the age that they are no longer able to
work as nannies.
How
should parents determine a salary for their nanny?
They have to do it by
asking around and getting the market rate based on neighborhood, the
number of children they are caring for, and the number of working hours.
Nannies talk everywhere. A nanny who finds out that everyone is making
$100 more than her a week is going to get upset.
What do you recommend
parents think about when looking to hire a nanny?
Parents need to do
as much research as possible. They should look online for interview
questions and really prepare for them. If during the interview there are
a lot of yeses and nos, and it doesn’t feel like a dialogue, then you
may have problems later on. You obviously want to ask for references.
Think
about who you are as a person and a parent and think about what type of
nanny will complement your family. Do you want a nanny who is going to
come in and run your household for you and organize your kids’
activities, or do you want a nanny who is going to take your lead?
Another thing you may want to think about is whether or not you are
comfortable with your nanny having children of her own. If your nanny
has kids, what happens when her children get sick? What’s the domino
effect? If your nanny has children, but they don’t live with her and are
young and they live in her home country, how do you feel about that?
If conflicts arise,
what’s the best way to handle them with a nanny?
You have to talk
about it, and I think it is always helpful to talk about the positives
along with the negatives.
You hear the same complaints sometimes
from stay-at-home moms. The littlest thing can set you off because you
are doing all this work all day long and you’re not getting any
recognition or praise for it. So saying something like, “There’s no milk
in the house, why didn’t you pick up any milk?” can really sting even
though it’s the most casual comment. I think you should absolutely bring
things up but keep the big picture in mind. If you are generally happy
with the nanny, make sure you acknowledge that when you talk to her
about a problem.
Have
the nannies you profiled read the book?
The three nannies all read the book and
responded really well. They wanted their voices to be heard for
different reasons.
Nannies are a vast and diverse group. You
have immigrant working women, you have American born college-educated
women, you have women who view it as a career and women who view it as a
temporary job, and women who are doing it because they have no choice. I
chose these three women because I liked showing all sides of it.
Claudia was mystified why one of the other two women that I chose to
write about was a white, American, college-educated woman. She didn’t
understand why someone like that would choose to be nanny. I think it
was eye opening.
Hiring A Nanny?
Selected child care providers in the city.
Absolute Best Care
Nanny Agency. A full-service placement agency specializing in nannies,
baby nurses, babysitters, and housekeepers. 274 Madison Ave., Suite 503,
212-481-5705.
InterExchange/Au Pair USA. Provides affordable and
quality child care for families. Au pairs live with American host
families and provide child care for up to 45 hours per week. Au pairs
come from over 40 countries worldwide. 161 Sixth Ave., 212-924-0446.
New
York Nanny Center, Inc. The center places fulltime, live-in, and
live-out nannies, as well as summer nannies. 250 West 57th St., Suite
2330, 212-265-3354.
