Dear Dr. Karyn,
I saw you on TV discussing your “marble game.” I’d love more information so I can implement this at home. What a brilliant way to get our kids into the right habits — love it. If you could point me in the right direction I would truly appreciate it!
Dear parent,
We received an enormous number of e-mails from parents asking for more information about the marble game! This segment really hit a nerve for parents! To view the segment again (and others) go to www.youtube.com/user/drkaryngordon/videos!
As I shared on “Cityline,” my husband and I created a version of the “marble game,” which is not perfect, but has worked extremely well in our home. Our goal was to teach great habits to our 6-year-old twin boys, but we also wanted to make it fun!
Here are eight tips to make it work:
• Write out your daily routine (parents only)
On your computer write out the routine you would like your kids to follow Monday through Friday. It is important that this routine is clear for both you and them!
• Focus on overall routines and habits (parents only)
Don’t focus on rules for good and bad behavior, focus on routines and habits you want your kids to develop. Routine is the job you want them to do, but the habits are the specific responsibilities you need them to do each time! Habits are powerful for kids. Learning something new requires mental energy, but once it’s a habit, it becomes automatic.
We have five main routines in our home plus two communication habits we are trying to encourage.
#1 Morning routine
#2 After-meal routine
#3 Before-school routine
#4 After-school routine
#5 Before-bed routine
#6 Positive communication
#7 “Off-limits” communication
• Create a chart and identify the habits
Once you have identified the main routine categories, brainstorm with your kids the specifics tasks you want your kids to do for each routine. It is important that kids participate with you for this step!
Morning routine:
1) In bed until 7 am
2) Play quietly in the morning
3) Get dressed
4) Tidy room
5) Make bed
Create a chart with three columns. Kids really like to see the big picture, so make sure that all your routines fit on one page. Label the left column “Routines-Habits,” the middle column “Marbles,” and the far right column “Marbles If Reminded.”
Under the communication category we have an underlying habit that if mommy or daddy has to repeat ourselves we subtract a marble.
Under the “Routine-Habits,” state all the routines and habits that you have finalized with your kids.
• Decide how many marbles
Talk with your kids about how many marbles they would get per routine. For our boys, there are five tasks they need to do for the morning routine so we give them four marbles. It is important that the responsibility matches how many marbles you give them. So for example, responsibilities that require 0–5 minutes, we give two marbles (or one if they needed to be reminded). For tasks that will take a bit longer, we give four marbles (or two if reminded). Kids are generally great at thinking about what is fair, so check this with them.
• Cashing in marbles
When kids are doing their responsibilities most parents want to provide “extras.” What are these privileges? Brainstorm with your kids how they would like to cash in their marbles. In our home: going to the park to play after school, watching a 20-minute video, or having a play-date all requires 10 marbles, which encourage the boys to make sure they have completed their responsibilities before their playtime. In many ways, our marble system is set up to teach self-discipline.
• Put the marbles and their container in a spot that kids can reach
Since my kids are the ones that put marbles in and out of their container, it is important to locate the marble container and their own individual containers in a location that they can see and reach. Kids are very experiential in their learning, and it is beneficial for them to physically add in and take away their own marbles.
• Put to trial and test
Remember that this will take trial and error. We did three to four versions of this before we got it right. Try it for one week and then review with your spouse and kids what worked and what did not work.
• Follow-through is the secret
The only way it works is to lead the way and follow through. If I don’t follow the plan as it’s laid out in the game, they won’t trust me and do their part.
Remember as a parent that although you are brainstorming the game with your kids, you are the parent and have final veto power. It is important to ask their opinion, thoughts, and ideas while still maintaining your authority role as a parent. Finally, like developing any great habits it takes time, but will save you time in the long-run!
As parents we are continually working on our parental leadership and this tool is a good place to start for 2014!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
