Tattling is all too common within families, especially those with children 5 to 10 years old. Although parents want to keep an open line of communication, teaching youngsters to discern when to and when not to tell can be complicated and confusing. To help children break the tattletale habit, experts suggest parents start by exploring the motive behind the action.
“There are a number of reasons why children tattle, but the most prominent one is due to a developmental stage called rule-governed behavior,” says Dr. Carl Chenkin, clinical psychologist specializing in family issues. “Somewhere around age 5, children begin to understand there are rules to be followed, but they don’t have the capacity to distinguish between major and minor rule breaking. So what happens is every broken rule is brought to an adult’s attention.”
This was the case with Geeta Arora’s son, Prithvi. At age 3, the boy began broadcasting everything his younger sister did.
“He would tell me if she ate off the floor or put blocks in her mouth or was chewing on her doll,” says the mother of her now 7-and-a-half and 6-year-old children. “His intentions were good, but he wasn’t able to make the distinction between what I did and didn’t need to know.”
Arora downplayed her son’s trivial talk, confident he would eventually outgrow it. But two years later, it had become routine nature.
“When he entered preschool, he started telling his teacher everything that happened in class — if someone didn’t finish their lunch or wasn’t nice. Then one day, he came home from school clearly upset. When I asked him what was wrong, he said the children didn’t want to play with him anymore because he was ‘mean.’ That’s when I knew the issue had to be addressed.”
Experts agree tattling should be downplayed. But don’t completely dismiss it. Use this time to begin teaching your child the difference between trifle tattling and timely telling.
“Until about age 7 or 8, a child doesn’t have the ability to make the distinction between what does and doesn’t need to be told, so I suggest parents guide him in the process,” says child psychologist Dr. W. Douglas Tynan. “Listen and acknowledge your child’s feelings — ‘I’m glad you feel free to talk with me and you look frustrated.’ But once you know what your child is saying, stop and ask him, ‘Is someone going to get hurt? Is anyone crying?’ If the answer is ‘no,’ dismiss it, and tell your child you don’t need to hear anymore. In this way, he will begin to understand good and bad judgment calls.”
Parents may also want to coach their kids on problem-solving solutions. Lisa Carter has done this.
“When my boys were preschoolers, sometimes Christopher would come and tell me CJ had torn up his picture or knocked down his Legos. Rather than stepping in, I redirected him on what he could do to change the situation: ‘Where can you put your things so your brother can’t get to them?’ ” says the mother of the siblings, now ages 10 and 7-and-a-half. “Even now, the boys like to wrestle, but sometimes it gets out of hand. If CJ comes and tells me Christopher threw him down really hard, I’ll suggest they set guidelines before starting. In this way, I’m equipping them to take charge of situations rather than having them look to me to fix it.”
Good idea, says Chenkin.
“The more social skills kids develop, the more resilient they will be. As long as it isn’t a safety issue, parents should teach their children how to respond to situations rather than rescue them,” he says.
Most important, don’t scold or punish your child for tattling — as this may cut off all lines of communication. Instead, be present, nurturing and interested in what he has to say. But if the tale isn’t of a crisis nature, minimize your response, and it may just subside. Even if it doesn’t, give it time. Childish chatter may be cured by social consequence.
“That day Prithvi came home alienated by his classmates, I asked him why he felt the need to tattle, and he said he just wanted to make sure the children weren’t doing anything wrong. Then I said, ‘How would you like it if someone tattled on you?’ He said he wouldn’t. After that, he stopped tattling at school,” says Arora.
But it was another six months before the boy was completely purged of petty proclamations.
“One day, his sister Malvika told on him, and that’s when he knew how it truly felt. At that point, I sat both of them down and explained if someone was doing something that could harm them or others, they should come and tell me. Other than that, I didn’t need to know. Now they’re the best of friends, and play together all the time. And no one tattles on the other.”
Denise Yearian is the former editor of two parenting magazines and the mother of three children and two grandchildren.
