Dear Sharon,
We think our daughter may be a lesbian. She is 13 and so far we haven’t talked about it as a family and she hasn’t revealed this to us. What are your thoughts about this? Should we bring it up or wait for her to do so? What if we’re wrong, although I don’t think we are? We naturally want her to be comfortable being whoever she is in life and we’re concerned about her feeling she has to “hide.”Dear parents,
Most 13 year olds become hesitant, awkward or secretive about talking to moms or dads about personal issues in the midst of their often-complicated adolescent lives.
If a child is wrestling with her sexual preference and, as a result, possibly being influenced or even targeted in different ways by the people around her, then I think it is probably not a question of “if” to bring up your daughter’s sexuality, but more about “how” and “when.”
As many teens are on edge from the frequent peer pressures, hormonal changes and academic demands that surface in adolescence, I often suggest to parents that they work on their overall relationship with their teenager as a vital first step. Begin by finding significant times to relax and enjoy each other — it can help the eventual “heart-to-heart talk” be free of the tension or power battles that often are present in a 13 year old’s everyday life with her parents.
This may mean spending a weekend together doing something parents and their child enjoy, or having a series of evenings that are relaxing and fun. It could also mean listening to music dad doesn’t like hearing, playing video games that mom doesn’t understand, or any number of other ways to practically let an adolescent know that her parents love her and are on her side.
Once a family has spent some quality time together, a teen is more likely to hear sincere and heartfelt expressions that her parents can offer as a tangible sign of their love and support. Simple phrases like, “I am really proud of you,” or “You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” or “I’m sorry I’m upset with you sometimes but when I think about it I don’t think I would change one thing about you,” can communicate a lot.
Bringing up sexuality directly might not happen for a while, but if a parent feels like it might be time, it can be less overwhelming to pose direct questions in a relaxed and loving environment.
Sometimes children talk more easily when walking, driving, going to bed, or sitting in their favorite easy chair. The more casual the parental tone and atmosphere, the more likely it will be that the teen will feel less “under surveillance” and more able to talk through her thoughts and ideas about her sexuality. Setting up the conditions for the teen to do most of the talking is usually one of the most important things a mom or dad can do.
Communicating sincere parental love over time to an adolescent who might be gay is one of the most supportive gifts a parent can offer.
