(Editor’s Note: Doug and his lifetime partner Michael Elsasser were one of the five original couples who
were plaintiffs in the 2004 Same-Sex Marriage lawsuit against New York State.)
On the morning of July 24, 2011, Michael Elsasser, my lifetime partner for over 25 years, and I were married at the New York City Clerk’s Office by the very Honorable Judge Doris Ling-Cohen. Finally, we were able to realize one of our lifelong goals; the official state recognition of our years of committed love and devotion to one another.
This day was particularly memorable for us because our two sons, Justin and Zachary, ages 26 and 23 respectively, served as our witnesses and best men. Their presence on this extraordinarily historic day marked an important milestone for us, too; the sanctification of our life as a family. Our situation may be extraordinary, yet it is also typical of a family experience, growing up in a loving and nurturing environment.
Justin was an active and bright 11-month-old when we adopted him in 1987. I remember expressing concern to my parents that Justin was a small child. My mother, in her all-knowing ways, told me to focus on the larger picture of giving him the best family life possible. The rest would take care of itself. Today, Justin stands tall and proud.
In 1990, we were blessed with the arrival of our second son, Zachary. He was a very shy and quiet 21-month-old child with deep, thoughtful eyes. Additionally, he had such a huge appetite that a close family member nicknamed him the “Refrigerator.” Today, Zack is tall and slim, with a gentle disposition.
Michael and I, like most parents, focused our energy on raising our sons. I remember their first Christmas, their faces as they sat on the lap of Santa Claus, and seeing them filled with awe over the many presents under the Douglas-fir tree. True to brotherly differences, Justin opened the biggest box first while Zack selected the smallest. There are also the distant memories of watching them ride a two-wheel bike for the first time or seeing them dressed in Halloween costumes of their own choice. These are the kinds of memories that fathers cherish.
To prepare our sons for navigating a world unaccustomed to gay-headed households, I relied on using my experiences growing up as an African-American in the 1950s. My siblings and I were the first Black children to integrate the local YMCA in Chester, Pennsylvania. I shared the advice my
parents gave us: to use words and ideas to combat ignorance, and to always be proud of yourself and your family. These ideas were simple, yet profound.
When it was time for our sons to enter the school system, we prepared them for dealing with homophobia—from their classmates and possibly even their teachers. We spent weeks of discussion and role-playing. As children of gay parents they were once again in the minority and would need to brace themselves for the road ahead.
Michael and I attended all PTA meetings and volunteered as class parents. We spoke to other parents on how to address the issue of gay parenting to their children. This proactive approach served our sons well. As they grew, we saw them gain confidence moving through life’s many milestones.
The day that we dropped our sons off at college was a particularly proud moment for us. It validated our parenting skills, and signaled a new chapter in our lives as a family. Finally, our marriage ceremony, which would come many years later, was the culmination of the events that bind a family. And the legal bonding to my best friend and soul mate was made more emotional by our sons’ participation. By the end of the ceremony when Judge Ling-Cohen pronounced us “Spouses for Life”, Michael and I, and Justin and Zachary were all in tears.
We always knew that we were a family. It was the State of New York that had finally caught up with us.
Doug Robinson is a longtime advocate for children, education, LGBT and environment concerns.
