A few years back, my first-grader stepped off the school bus in tears. The words he squeaked out between sobs cut me to the soul. He said, “My teacher hates my reading ‘cause I’m stupid.”
It was the start of the school year, and he had been placed in remedial reading — a group of five students, pulled from the classroom for specialized instruction with a reading specialist. When I asked around, it seemed my son was the only student struggling with self-image over the placement. So why do certain children fall apart when faced with negative evaluation, while others seem to roll with the punches?
A fixed mind-set
Part of the answer may be due to what Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck refers to as a fixed mind-set. Due to the interaction of genetics and environment, some children react with more hopelessness than others. Since academic success at school is evaluated as pass or fail, some children may be reinforced to regularly think in narrow terms and constantly monitor themselves, thinking: “Am I a winner or a loser? Will I succeed or fail?”
“People with a fixed mind-set believe that their traits are just given…and nothing can change that,” Dweck writes in her book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.”
Here are some indications that your child may have a fixed mind-set:
• He worries excessively about his inadequacy.
• He believes intelligence, athleticism, ability, or talent are fixed traits, rather than qualities which can be developed.
• He is compelled to prove himself over and over because of a strong need to confirm that he is smart, athletic, or talented in every situation.
• He over-focuses on judging.
• He often reacts with hopelessness.
Responding to a fixed mind-set
Be careful how you praise your child. Believe it or not, Dweck says praise, more than criticism, contributes to fixed mind-sets in children. If you repeatedly praise your child for being smart, he may grow to expect that school work will come easy. If he goes on to encounter failure in math or reading, this failure may feel like proof he is not smart as you characterized him.
Praise more effectively. Dweck recommends that when your child brings home an excellent grade you should avoid making comments of the variety “Wow, you are smart!” Instead, reference her effort and the pay off: “You worked so hard on that subject, and this is a great reward for it.”
Educate him about intelligence. If your child bombs a test or comes home with a disappointing report card, and says, “I’m dumb,” it is important that you explain how tests and report cards are indicators of performance, but not intelligence. Children need to understand that hard work and extra help can lead to greater success.
It may also help to have a conversation about emotional intelligence and the value of it to her life’s success.
Develop a
growth mind-set
• Upgrade to a growth mind-set. The alternative to believing there is nothing you can do with the cards you have been dealt is called a “Growth mind-set.” Within this mentality, “the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development,” according to Dweck.
• Think PET. Growth mind-set thinkers recognize people can grow and succeed through Personal effort, Experience, and Training. Dweck notes that when kids think the qualities they desire are attainable, their passion for learning is sparked.
• Ask, don’t judge. Without a growth mind-set, when your child struggles with school, his self-image may be at risk. Fixed mind-sets focus on judging (“This means I’m dumb,” “This means I’m a bad kid”), so a shift to a growth mind-set needs to occur. A child’s inner voice could ask instead, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I improve?” Dweck says developing this mind-set “allows people to thrive during the most challenging times of their lives.”
• Help him heighten his sensitivity to negative self-talk. When kids grow more aware of what their fixed mind-set is telling them (“Face it — you’ve got no talent!”), they will be in a better position to do something to change that internal monologue. Talk to them about the ways their self-judgments hold them back.
• Explain alternative ways to evaluate themselves. In the face of failure, there is always more than one response available. If he bombs a math test after studying hard, “You’re a horrible math student” is only one potential reaction.
• Teach him to talk back! He will love this. Rather than allowing a fixed mind-set to drag him down — he should talk back to the voice that says he is not good enough. Encourage him to embrace a growth mind-set which, without judging, sees the possibilities and the opportunities that come from a setback.
• Discuss how a new mind-set may be put into practice. Dweck challenges individuals to embrace life’s trials and learn from setbacks. She says, “Hear the criticism and act on it.” Action based on a healthier mind-set will expand the opportunities available to our kids now and through adulthood.
Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. She is happy to report that her son made great progress and has learned invaluable life lessons as a result of his academic struggles.
