Dear Sharon,
What would you recommend parents do when they have reason to believe their 17-year-old is using drugs? We’ve found “evidence,” in the way of cut straws and rolled-up dollar bills, that gives us strong suspicion. We are presently frozen in place and haven’t done anything at all, but are strongly concerned. Can you give us any advice as to our next moves?Dear concerned parents,
Unfortunately, I believe you are right to be concerned. I have rarely known a parent who has suspected drug use and has later been proven wrong.
Straws and rolled-up dollar bills can be a sign of a habit with short and/or long term emotional and physical consequences, some of them potentially serious. The shock and stress that can come with worries about drugs can understandably freeze moms and dads in place. Nevertheless, I have told parents in your situation that some sort of action is most probably needed. If there are other signs surfacing — such as falling grades, sporadic school attendance, missed curfews, or peer relationships that parents find troublesome — then there is usually even more need for an immediate and thorough response.
In most cases, parents need to take steps at home and seek outside help as well.
Begin by speaking directly to your teen about your concerns. This is rarely, if ever, easy because most people struggling with an addictive substance do not easily admit to what has been going on. Of course, if a teen is able to be honest and open, solutions are easier to find.
It is often difficult if only one or two family members are talking to a teen about the problem. Parents I know have gathered close relatives and friends together to express concern, love and possible next steps. Sometimes caring adults have talked individually to the teen, while other times, a group meeting, or “intervention,” has made a difference. Such conversations usually go better if adults express care and honesty, rather than criticism and anger.
Set aside as much time as possible to spend with your teen. Enjoying each other’s company in the middle of high-pressure worries can help everyone feel less guarded and tense. A moment of calm and connection, although often difficult to achieve, can help resolve issues more effectively.
Unfortunately, steps taken at home are often not enough to completely resolve the problem. Seek guidance from outside sources while talking to your teen at home. Ideally, the help you receive offers all family members the chance to give input and benefit from information and solutions. If more than one family member is participating in the effort to get advice, answers are usually easier to find.
Consult friends, religious or community leaders, trusted healthcare professionals or school personnel — who can keep conversations confidential and are able to offer personal and professional experience, understanding and hopeful perspectives. I know of many successful inquiries that parents have made without their children knowing.
Contacting a local Alcoholics Anonymous or drug rehab group can also be a good source of emotional comfort and practical information. Two programs that have been useful to parents I know are Caron (http://www.caron.org/caron-new-york-city.html) and Phoenix House (http://www.phoenixhouse.org/).
Whatever you choose to do at this point, it is important to remember that families and children have their own unique character and process. It is important to choose resources that seem a good fit for your child. Solutions that could be helpful to another family might not make sense for yours. I firmly believe that when parents offer concerted effort over time, even a big problem can become easier.
