Dear Mr. Morton,
I am a perfectionist and put a lot of pressure on my 10-year-old son to achieve. This past school year he brought home “Bs” and “Cs,” which I can’t accept. How can I help him to get better grades without putting too much stress on him? — S.L.
Dear S.L.,
When parental expectations are too high or perfectionistic, children easily grow anxious and hypersensitive to criticism. I’ve witnessed students try to get even with overly demanding parents by committing “academic suicide” or by purposefully underachieving. Others develop poor self-esteems and relinquish their natural zest for trying in school … and life.
If your son feels he cannot consistently be good enough to please you, he may eventually throw in the towel or learn to give only minimal effort in school and in life. And why not? If effort doesn’t earn your appreciation, he’ll rationally conclude the less effort, the less to lose, emotionally.
Here’s some thoughts that may help: Realign your own ideas about perfectionism and humor yourself, even laugh at yourself and your mistakes. Remember, people only approach perfection when they fill out their income tax forms or go on job interviews.
Like the baseball greats Hank Aaron and Babe Ruth, focus intensely on process, and minimally on product. How? Appreciate and encourage your son’s daily efforts and improvements (process) and less on making all “As” in school (product).
In this manner, your son will feel your appreciation for his daily efforts and improvements, regardless of the outcomes. Everything else will follow, for he’ll learn the true meaning of “winning” — no one is a loser until he gives up. People who don’t make mistakes are the ones who usually don’t make anything at all. Is that why Aaron and Ruth struck out at the plate many more times than they hit home runs?
A New York-based psychoanalyst, H. David Stein, MD, feels that perfectionist parents do their children more harm than good. “Kids feel that their parents are dissatisfied with them, even if it’s not stated,” he says. “They pick up on subtle cues.”
Robert Morton, MEd, EdS, has retired from his positions of school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University. Contact him at [email protected].
