Has your child ever been afraid of failing at something that he never tried it at all? Does your child make excuses in order to not engage in practices? Fear of failure, or atychiphobia, is an irrational fear that will hold a person back in life.
He will refuse to do anything, because he is not sure he will succeed. Your child may want to engage in an activity, but the fear is so great that he would rather avoid it in order to prevent symptoms of anxiety or depression. The fear of failure is connected to self-worth, and your child will try to protect his worth by avoiding failure, and consequently, he will miss out on opportunities. This fear will cause him to not put forth enough effort or give up before he even had the chance to try. Children fall into four categories when dealing with failure:
Students who love learning and see failure as a way to learn from it. They do not believe failure diminishes their self-worth.
Students who over-strive and avoid failure by knowing they will succeed. They may engage in activities where they know positive outcomes will be the result. Their success is motivated by fear that they will not be perfect or succeed. Over-strivers usually doubt their abilities.
Students who accept failure and believe that their failure is due to having little to no ability. They give up on succeeding, and their self-worth is low. If they do succeed at something, they do not believe they had the ability to succeed at it, but rather believe that their success was outside their control.
Students who do not expect to succeed and avoid activities. They believe they have low ability and low worth when they try at something but fail. They may procrastinate or make excuses in order to avoid failure that is due to lack of ability. These children have internalized failure. Avoiding failure, to them, is impossible.
What parents can do
Parents of a child with fear of failure should try to convince their child to believe in himself. They need to teach their child that mistakes are part of life and that it is okay to fail. Teaching their child to learn from failure rather than allowing the fear to prevent him from engaging in activities is important. Here are some tips you can try to encourage your child to take risks:
Help your child to look at failure as a learning experience. Teach your child to embrace failure and understand that mistakes help him to do better next time. If your child does not make mistakes, he will not learn or improve. Remember that failure or making mistakes gives him an opportunity to do things better and to feel more inspired. Help him seek to fail doing things that he normally won’t do. Your child will learn a valuable lesson and realize that failing is not a bad thing. Give him an example of someone who has failed before they succeeded at something.
Emphasize effort over ability. Provide your child with praise and positive feedback that focuses on effort. If you see that your child studied for days and he failed a test, do not get angry at him. Instead, praise him for the effort and for trying. This kind of feedback can motivate him, and he can believe that he can succeed. If a parent reprimands him for failing or tells him to try harder, this can cause him to doubt his abilities and not try.
Build a positive relationship with your child. Your child needs to look at you as a positive role model. Help your child by looking at the mistake and evaluating what went wrong and what he can do differently next time. Have your child watch how you respond to failure. Share your disappointments with your child and what you learned from the situation. You can also read stories to your child about people he admires and how they learned to cope with failure.
Use humor. Laugh at the mistakes you make in front of your child. You do not want to curse or yell, because by doing so, you are setting an example that mistakes are bad and should not be made. Just laugh and have fun. Mistakes happen, right? It is not the end of the world! So teach that to your child!
It is helpful for your child to experience failure and learn from it at a young age rather than when he is in high school, when the stakes are much higher. Have your child gradually face his fear of failure. Slowly “expose” your child to making mistakes. Play games and randomly let him win and lose. Model positive attitude and play often enough, so your child can realize that it is okay to lose.
It is important to let your child do his personal best. In life, he will fail and he will succeed. Failing is a part of life, but we need to teach our children how to cope with failure and view it as an opportunity for growth.
Helen Nieves is a licensed mental health counselor, attention-deficit consultant specialist, and certified anger management specialist. She has a private practice in Brooklyn and works with adults and children with various emotional and behavioral issues. She is an instructor at the American Institute of Health Care Professionals. For more, visit www.couns
