Dear Dr. Karyn,
My family just got a computer. (I know people think we’re absolutely crazy.) I’ve heard horror stories from other parents about what their kids are doing online. What are some practical suggestions you can give me about how to safely access the internet in our home?
Dear parent,
What a great question! The internet is an amazing tool; it provides us with an enormous amount of quick information, and it also allows kids to communicate quickly with each other. But using it is also a privilege, and like all privileges, it is accompanied by responsibilities.
Here are some suggestions:
• Put the computer in a public place, e.g., the kitchen or family room. Do not set up the computer in your child’s bedroom.
• Set a limit on how much time each child will have on the internet and divide this up between school time and socializing time. I find a realistic total number is between one to three hours per night depending on their age.
• Go over some rules about what sites they can and can’t go to. For example, are you OK with your child viewing pornographic material? Talking with strangers in chat rooms? Visiting online gambling sites? If not, tell him. Be clear about your expectations.
• Discuss how your child is going to deal with conflict via e-mail. I’ve found that e-mail encourages people to voice their thoughts more openly (usually a good thing) but often this is done in a nasty, aggressive, or thoughtless manner. If your child is dealing with a conflict with a friend via e-mail, encourage him (but don’t make it mandatory) to show you his response before he sends it. This way, you can be sure your child is responding in a healthy way.
If he doesn’t abide or agree to some basic internet rules, you can always take the internet away as a consequence. Remember, access to the internet is a privilege, not a right.
Implement the best discipline style at home
Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 12-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter. My problem is that my wife and I see differently when it comes to disciplining the children. I am more firm, while she is more laid back. It makes me look as if I am the bad guy, and because of that, my kids speak to my wife in a disrespectful manner. Dr. Karyn, sometimes I sit back and watch but sometimes it gets unbearable, and so I step in and yell. I would ask my wife why she lets the children get away with so much, and a few minutes later, she would behave as if nothing happened between her and the children. I am at my wits’ end. Please help.
Dear parent,
Discipline or power is one of the three biggest stressors in marriage; you are not alone. As a therapist, I frequently receive questions about discipline. Before I recommend how you and your wife should respond, let me first educate you about the different discipline styles.
In my “Analyse Your Teen” CD series, one of the four CDs is all about how to set boundaries and teach responsibility. In this resource, I outline three different discipline styles.
• There is the “Stone Wall” boundary, when parents are very strict, rigid, and allow very little room for negotiation. In this family, children will often rebel or become resentful.
• There is the “Wild Field” boundary, when parents allow anything to happen. In this case, the children or teens are running the show, and the parents feel walked on and taken for granted. There is often a sense of chaos and anxiety in this home.
• Finally, there is the “Picket Fence” boundary, when boundaries and expectations are discussed, communicated, negotiated, and agreed upon. Often, appropriate rewards or consequences are also agreed upon. In this home, children feel valued and respected while parents still have authority.
From your question, my sense is that your wife is more of a “Wild Field” and you are more of a “Stone Wall.” These two extremes will often create enormous conflict and chaos in any family. My number one recommendation: it is imperative for the well-being of your children and also your marriage that you and your wife get on the same page as it relates to discipline. For starters, you can get my CD series that will better educate you and your wife about how exactly parents can implement the “Picket Fence” boundaries in your home (www.dkleadership.org).
If you feel you still need more help, then I recommend you and your wife go to counseling. If you’re wife refuses, I’d still recommend you go yourself, so you can learn how to respond effectively to the situation. Getting frustrated and yelling will not improve your situation. Getting the right education and information will empower you to act and respond differently!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
