“OK to Ask” Opens Up the Conversation on Tough Topics Between Parents
As a parent, you may know that handling delicate situations is not always easy. For example, you may have to tell a good friend that their child may be bullying your child. Or you have to ask if the birthday party is nut-free as your child has a severe nut allergy and trust that your child will be ok by eating the food.
According to the CDC, in the US, unintentional firearms deaths among children are up. For children and adolescents aged 0–17 years, firearms are a leading injury method. This means these guns are accessible and not kept in safe lock devices and are loaded. Meredith Burns, Emily Onkey, Joey Wölffer, and Laney Crowell know this. As concerned mothers of gun violence who started a Moms Demand Action chapter, they realized through meetings and conversations that it was time to normalize having a conversation around safety and building trust with each other in a way that destigmatized the conversation. This is how the “OK to Ask” campaign was founded. As parents, we realize that we must be part of the change to avoid these avoidable tragedies. Brava to these mothers for taking such an important initiative.
We recently chatted with these fierce mothers to learn more about the campaign and its next steps.
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How did your campaign “OK to Ask” come about?
We are moms and friends who started a Moms Demand Action group last summer in Sag Harbor after watching so many acts of gun violence happen nationally without anything changing.
We were so encouraged by the enthusiasm and support from other moms who were having the same fears. A lot of us didn’t know each other or know where people stood on guns, because sadly it has gotten so politicized, but what we knew we had in common was having made this adventurous decision to live out east full time in large part to give our kids a life in this beautiful place year-round. That bonded us all. We were motivated and felt a sense of obligation to create the most incredible community where there is a sentiment of raising our kids together and feeling responsible for one another.
Every month we’d meet and it was an incredible experience to sit around a table of 50+ women, all with different backgrounds, sharing in our extreme conviction to learn about gun violence prevention, policy, and advocacy from different local leaders and community organizers.
Ok to Ask grew from our natural conversations after these meetings. When the fact that the number one cause of death in school-age kids is guns really sunk in, we started to learn the impact we could have by sharing safe storage information so that no kid is in a home with an unsecured gun – we knew it was essential to launch this conversation in a big way to very simply, just make it Ok to Ask and talk about safe gun storage.
How does discussing tough topics like gun ownership build trust between parents?
We all lean on each other heavily living here to help with our kids and planning play dates to help with logistics and carpooling. It’s part of our everyday life. Sometimes you know the people really well that are hosting your kids, sometimes you don’t. We wanted to normalize having a conversation around safety and building trust with each other in a way that totally destigmatized the conversation.
We wanted to remove any ounce of shame or embarrassment someone might have and just educate people that unsecured guns are a real hazzard and we have to talk about it in the same way we talk about allergies and pets, gummies, and anything else that might be harmful.
How does that parent’s peer pleasure influence the significance of us not asking hard questions?
I think as parents, we are learning more and more how much we need community, and especially as mothers, how much we need one another. And so of course there is pressure not to be the one in your group to make someone else uncomfortable or do something that ostracized you from a group you really need or want to be part of or accepted into. We started this campaign in a way to take any of that potential uneasiness away from it. We wanted to do the opposite and give parents a way to be part of something by asking the potentially uncomfortable question – demonstrating that cracking open the conversation can actually be such a relief and something to be so proud of. A mother’s ferocity around protecting her kids is a force to be admired!
What safety steps should parents ask about concerning gun storage?
Most simplistically, you should ask and offer if you have firearms in the home, and if you do, are they secure. It looks like this:
Hi! We are so excited to have Bodhi over for a playdate. Does he have allergies? Does he need floaties in the pool? If so, please send him with them. We don’t have any firearms in the home. Let me know if there’s anything else I can answer!
OR
Hi! Thank you for hosting Lily today after school. She has a peanut allergy, so please make sure snacks are nut-free (I sent her home with extra, but she’ll want what Charlotte is having, I’m sure). She’s a great swimmer but might be timid around your dog. Do you have any firearms at home, and if so, can you let me know if they are secure? Also, we don’t let Lily watch any tablets unsupervised!
OR
Hi! Hank can’t wait to have Dylan sleep over. I wanted to let you know we have firearms in the home since my husband is a police officer. They are secured, and our kids don’t know they exist. I’d love to chat and tell you more about that so you feel totally comfortable. Calling you in a few!
The best resource is the website: Be Smart For Kids. Their acronym SMART is everything you need to know in an upshot:
Secure All Firearms in your home and car
Model Responsible Behavior
Ask about the presence of unsecured Firearms in other homes
Recognize the role of firearms in suicide
Tell your Peers to Be SMART
Why is honest communication with other parents important?
When we avoid the hard questions, we avoid an opportunity to make authentic and honest connections, but most importantly in this case, if we can’t have an open conversation with someone about this or other things, then that tells you a lot about the relationship and the ball is in your court to assess if it’s right for you. Because it’s never about making someone believe your right, or they are right, it’s about child safety. Period.
I think we all have found having an open and honest conversation about this has opened the door to some many wonderful, meaningful and insightful questions that have cultivated authentic friendships. We have a lot of women in the group who have guns in their homes, and a lot who don’t. We have a lot of women who feel staunchly opposed to that, and a lot who don’t. But the great thing is that each of us has a roadmap as to how to simply have the conversation without fear and without getting into a heated argument because OK to Ask is so non judgemental.
What are the “OK to Ask ” next steps?
We will activate the campaign this fall and partner with our district schools, boards, community organizations, and pediatricians to get Be SMART into every home with a child and normalize the conversation around securing firearms.
