I received some of the best news I have had in a long time last week — my son Samuel is making friends.
Ironically, my son — who is now 3-and-a-half — had always been my most outgoing child. I’m a mom of triplets and — while I would say that all my kids are open and gregarious — Samuel was by far the most social of the three. He was the most smiley, the most playful, the most affectionate, and the one that most easily connected with others. From his siblings to relatives to family friends, he pretty much bonded with everybody — just not with other kids.
For a long time, I didn’t worry much about this, because I knew that he enjoyed being with people. I also knew that he loved playing with his siblings and being the center of attention. So I was confident that he would make friends once he started school.
He didn’t.
For the first few months of school, Samuel seemed uncomfortable with his classmates and didn’t seem interested at all in building relationships. In fact, it was not uncommon to see him ignore his “friends” when they would say “hello,” or he would run away from them during birthday parties. After a few months of this, and by our third birthday party, I was starting to worry, but I felt in my heart that things would change.
I knew that Samuel loved people too much to not be able to make friends. We just needed to give him more time. Meanwhile, my husband and I did everything we could to help him by setting up playdates, enrolling him in extracurricular activities like martial arts and swimming, and spending more regular one-on-one time with him and his siblings.
About a month later, I started to see a new and different Samuel emerge. I noticed he was singing and dancing more around the house. He seemed happier, more confident, and stopped avoiding social situations. While at his school, I shared this with one of his teachers and she told me about an even bigger change going on in the classroom. She told me that he was making friends. She also said he now plays regularly with other kids while building blocks and will sometimes go up to them and say, “Do you want to play with me?”
I can’t say exactly what thing it was that brought about the change in Samuel — other than time. Every child is different, and some children just need more time to do certain things. Now, had Samuel never been an affectionate, warm child, perhaps the outcome would have been different here, but the fact is he had always been that child. He just needed more time (and perhaps space) to let that part of him shine through. Now, Samuel has friends in his classroom and has no problem asking others to play with him.
The other day I was home with him for a little one-on-one time, and I walked away from him briefly while he was playing with his cars and trucks, which he calls his “construction site.” Within seconds he yelled out, “Mommy, do you want to watch my construction site?” I replied “Sure, Samuel!” I sat next to him and watched him play. A few seconds later, he said, “You can play with me, Mommy. You can play with me and my construction site, for a little while.” And I said, “Thank you Samuel, thank you.”
Notoya Green is a parenting expert and former family law attorney. You can read her blog at www.tripletsintribeca.com. You can also follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/tripletsintribeca and on Twitter @NotoyaG.
