I may have started out as a patient mom, but five years and two kids later, I’ve turned into a yelling machine that no longer knows how to say: “Put your shoes on,” without scaring someone. It was my desire to chill out and enjoy my kids that brought me to mindfulness. The practice of focusing on the present moment, it’s a trend that’s taking root everywhere from boardrooms to mediation retreats. And it’s particularly well suited to parents. In her new book, Parenting In The Present Moment, clinical social worker and mom of two Carla Naumburg, Ph.D. talks about how mindfulness can help parents stay kind, calm, and connected with their children during both the ups and downs of parenting. Recently, I caught up with Naumburg for some practical advice.
You started the practice of mindfulness because you were looking for a way to stop yelling at your kids. Can you describe what your life as a parent was like then?
First, I don’t want anyone to think I don’t yell anymore! I still yell, but I do it less often when I’m practicing mindfulness. When I first became a parent, I got super anxious about every real or imagined problem. I was overwhelmed. And then there was the fatigue of parenting two toddlers. One of the ways I took out my stress was yelling. But I wanted to stop; it was not a dynamic I was okay with. I remember sitting down at my computer—here I am, a clinical social worker who has spent her career teaching others how to manage emotions—and Googling: “How do I stop yelling at my kids?” Of course, I found thousands of articles, but nothing worked. I was trying to do these things in the midst of yelling at my kids, but the part of my brain that is angry is different than the part of my brain that can plan and change behavior. [Eventually] my research took me to mindfulness.
How do you define mindfulness?
For my definition, I draw from Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the fathers of mindfulness, and Dr. Amy Saltzman, another leader in the field. I describe it as choosing to pay attention to the present moment with kindness and curiosity so that you can then make a choice about your next behavior.
How do you approach, say, a toddler’s tantrum with kindness and curiosity—instead of frustration and anger?
First, it’s important to note that in order to be able to respond with mindfulness, you need to have met your own basic self needs—be rested, fed, etc. And you need to practice mindfulness in the easier moments, when you are feeling calm and happy.
Approaching a toddler’s tantrum with mindfulness means not snapping at them or saying: “Stop doing that.” With kindness and curiosity, you accept your kid is having a tantrum. You say: “Okay, this is the plan for the next few minutes…we’re having a tantrum!” And then you get interested. Depending on their age and how much they are losing it, you can ask: “What do you need right now?” Sometimes they are too far gone to respond. But your kid may be old enough to answer. If not, it’s your job to find out. Being mindful also means getting curious about your own behavior. Ask yourself: “Why does this stress me out?” If you can get enough headspace to realize you’re about to lose it and that’s going to make things worse, that can help.
Sometimes when when I yell at my kid at 7am in the morning, I feel like I’ve already ruined our chances of having a good day. Which is why I found it liberating to see you describe parenting as a cycle of “rupture, repair, repeat.” In those moments when you lose it with your child, how do you come back and reconnect?
If you can catch yourself in the process of yelling, the first thing you can do is just stop. The next thing is to get yourself calm. For me, going into the kitchen and putting my hands on the hard counter grounds me. Or maybe you need to take five deep breaths. There’s a reason breathing is a fundamental practice of mindfulness—because it helps you to be more grounded so that you can then turn around and hopefully make a choice in how you respond instead of just react. The next step is to be aware of your thoughts. If you are beating yourself up, notice that and forgive yourself. That’s when you can get curious, and say: “Okay, what just happened?” Then you can you go back and reconnect. So much of the repair can be saying: “I’m sorry I yelled, I shouldn’t have done that.” And [then] giving your child a hug. For little kids especially, you have to do it very quickly, [because otherwise they forget].
How can a sleep-deprived new mom stay calm and connected when she’s dealing with a crying baby?
If new parents do nothing else, they should focus on getting as much sleep as they can. I know it’s like telling parents to go win the lottery. But there were times when I was a parent of a newborn and I chose to fold the laundry instead of sleep, when in reality I was falling part. You can also have your own mediation practice. If I could, I would tell every pregnant woman on the planet to start mediating 10 minutes a day—it would make their lives as parents so much better! Do a simple breathing meditation when feeding your child, whether you’re nursing or using a bottle.
I would think technology is a big obstacle to being mindful—it’s hard to be present if you’re always checking your phone.
I find parenting to be less stressful and more enjoyable when my phone is not around. One of the things I noticed with my own phone use is how my perspective would change. It would start with: “Oh, I am going to peek at the phone while they are playing so nicely together,” to: “How dare they come ask me for a snack when I am reading about Kim Kardashian!” You have to ask yourself: “What am I trying to escape right now? Is it boredom, annoyance, fatigue, pain, a sense of disconnection from other adults?”
Make it an ongoing practice to manage your phone use. I have a friend who puts her phone in time out—it goes up to her bedroom because she needs it that far away from her. I know another family that has a basket by the front door, and when the parents come home, they put their phones in there until the kids are in bed.
Can you talk about how it’s just as important to be present with our kids in the joyful moments as the challenging ones?
Parenting is more fun when you are connected, when you are enjoying your time with your kids. The more we can practice sitting and being present with our kids, the better we get at it. Which is hard to do, because often what they want to do is very boring, and we are not good at being bored. Sitting and coloring with your child, or reading and really paying attention to the story—if you can be mindful while you are doing this, it really strengthens your relationship. They get so happy and they love the attention. At the end of the day, what kids need from us is to feel safe and connected—it’s really the only leverage we have.
To learn more about Carla Naumburg, visit carlanaumburg.com!
Leah Black is the former executive editor of New York Family. She and her husband are the proud parents of Avi and Lily.
