I try to explain to my 12-year-old daughter that, believe it or not, by the time she’s in her twenties and thirties, most of the kids she knows now–however pretentious or silly or mean-spirited or gross or awkward or annoying or self-centered they can be at times–will turn out to be adults who she may actually like. She believes me, I think, though the long-view doesn’t really help with “dramas” of the moment, like when another girl tells her that she may have to pick another bat mitzvah party over hers because she wants to be “popular” in her school.
At, 12, Elena is lucky that she enjoys her life and is confident and comfortable enough with her friendships that she can share a story like that with my wife and I, and actually have a sense humor about it.
At the same time, she’s certainly not immune to the confusions and conflicts of planning a big party, as we are doing now for her bat mitzvah in June. Over this weekend, she shared with us a number of scenarios about friends who may or may not being inviting her to their own parties, and lingering questions about whether she should invite certain kids if they’re likely to go to another party on the same day. It was all very breathless and stressful, and the social nuances were clearly beyond my understanding.
But having been an adolescent myself, I did have one credo to share.
“Do me a favor,” I said at the end of what seemed like her last soliloquy. “If you’re really worried about hurting someone’s feelings, try not to. And if you’re really confused, talk it all through with your mother. She’s very smart about this stuff. You don’t have to decide these things alone.”
It interests me that, despite having a chatty and emotional relationship with my daughter, I went in such a traditional direction on this one, suggesting that she turn to her mom. In the moment, I guess I hoped it sounded like a good idea, a safety net. But the truth of it is that I like being an insider in my child’s life. I like weighing in, especially on the subject of adolescence and hurt feelings.
When I tell her about how all these kids are going to be better people when they grow up, that’s an area I have some experience with.
Eric Messinger is Editor of New York Family. He can be reached at [email protected]
