Parental instinct tells you that when your child is crying, something is wrong and you must fix it. You’re not able to focus on anything else when you hear your child wail. Your full attention is on making the crying stop.
But what if somewhere along the way that urge was subverted into enabling your child to have bad behavior?
In other words: Your child could be using crying as a method to get what she wants. This is not a good place to be as a parent. On the one hand, you’re compelled to help your child, but on the other hand, by responding you’re facilitating more crying. The next time your child wants something, you can be sure she’ll use crying to get it.
You can teach your child to express disappointment or requests without crying. Here are a few rules to follow in order to break the cycle. I know that with repetition you can master them. The crying might not stop the first time you attempt this new plan, but if you remain consistent the crying will subside.
Here are the rules:
• When you notice that your child is crying, pause for one moment to assess the situation. This moment of clarity is critical. Get clear and think through your actions.
• If your child is hurt, go help and comfort her. We all need comfort when we are hurt.
• If your child appears sick, go see if she actually is. If she is sick, then comfort her.
• If your child is not sick or hurt, then ask yourself, “Why all the tears?” Take an honest guess and you’re likely to be correct. Decide if crying is an appropriate response to this guess.
• If you decide it is a reasonable response, then comfort your kiddo. Provide the reassurance she is looking for in that moment. If you decide it is not a reasonable response, then do not comfort her. Instead, wait for your small being to communicate in another way.
The last rule is where the magic happens. If you wait, your child will most likely do something else. If she does not receive the response she wants, then she will change her behavior. Wait for the behavior you feel is appropriate or provide unflustered prompts for your child to give the “correct” response. Then engage with her.
It would be beneficial to take stock now about the appropriate reasons for a tearful outburst before you’re faced with a crying being in front of you. This will make it easier to stay calm and avoid going into default mode.
You will have your own unique line for this, so I cannot tell you what will be right for your family. Outside of being hurt and sick, what are you comfortable with your child using crying to express? Something like not getting her favorite cup with dinner might be on the list of inappropriate reasons for crying. This might be an occasion when you wait out the tears.
The goal is for crying to become a response to situations in which something is terribly wrong. With consistency and composure you can make this happen!
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Dr. Marcie Beigel is a behavioral therapist based in Brooklyn. She has worked with thousands of families for more than 15 years and has condensed her observations into her practice and programs. For more on her, visit www.Behav
