Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’m 38 years old with four kids under 10. My marriage has been suffering for a long time, and while I know it’s not great on kids to divorce, I’m really debating about leaving my husband. How does a person know if they are ready to divorce?
Dear reader,
Most of us are aware of the staggering divorce statistics — nearly 50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce, and second and third marriages are two to three times more likely to end in divorce. What shocks many is that less than 10 percent of spouses say their marriage is “thriving.”
The reality is that there are a lot of “surviving” marriages and very few “thriving” ones. Last month I did a segment on the Canadian national TV talk show “Cityline” about this topic, and was bombarded with e-mails afterward from men and women sharing the pain in their marriages. This is a topic that runs deep for thousands of men and women. One of my former clients, a banker was debating proposing to his girlfriend, said honestly to me, “Karyn, with stats like this, why would anyone want to get married?”
Great question. Here are four tips I challenge people to consider as they think about marriage and divorce.
Put it in perspective: I think one of the greatest problems with our culture is our attitude around marriage and training. When I ask clients, colleagues, and friends about their top values, most people instinctively say, “Family, friends, career.” So let’s stop and think about that answer. How much training do most people receive in their jobs and careers? For example: a teacher or accountant will complete approximately 10,000 hours of training through their studies (not including on-the-job training). A journalist is around 8,000 hours, while a lawyer or doctor is between 15,000 and 20,000 hours. Even someone who has not yet started her career path, but works out three times a week, will spend more than 150 hours training her body in a year. So now let’s ask ourselves, how much “training” have we pursued in learning to be a great spouse? Most people say zero. It’s unrealistic to think that we should “just know” key relationship skills without having learned them. Unless people have been fortunate enough to observe their parents in a thriving marriage, most of us never have the opportunity to learn these skills, and then we feel disappointed, frustrated, and disillusioned with marriage. If having a thriving marriage is one of our core values, we need to change our perspective and make it a top priority to get the proper training.
Look inward and introduce option number three: When I meet a couple that is struggling, many of them talk about two options: either stay in a suffering marriage or get divorced. However, I introduce clients to a third option — their new thriving marriage. It doesn’t matter if people have suffered for two years or 15 years, the same rules apply. If people want a thriving marriage, they need to start by looking inward.
When I meet with couples for the first time, most dive into what their spouse did, or most often, did not do. I hear constant complaints, criticism, and comments such as, “If only my partner would do…” Let’s remember that relationships are 50-50, so if a relationship is falling apart we need to look inward, not outward. We need to ask ourselves, “What is my part in this? What is my contribution to having a suffering relationship?” Unless we have the courage to look inward, there is a high probability that we will repeat the same mistakes in our next relationship.
Learn the tools: It’s amazing that we can put people on the moon and find cures for terminal diseases, but still watch so many people struggle in their relationships. The exciting aspect of this topic (which is why I’m so passionate about it!), is that relationship tools are 100 percent learned. So, if we want to have a thriving marriage we need to be intentional and proactive to create our own training program. If people are open and ready to learn, it’s amazing to see the change that can happen.
At our center we have more than a 90-percent success rate with couples, helping them build their thriving marriages simply because we focus on training and teaching personal leadership tools (confidence, goals, time management, decision-making) and relationship leadership tools (effective communication and dealing with differences, personality differences, and getting on the same page with parenting, money, family, and sex). When we understand ourselves, understand our spouse, and have the tools to communicate effectively, we can deal with any tricky topic.
Make divorce a last resort: Am I against divorce? Not necessarily, because there are times that I think it’s healthier for couples to divorce. For example: if there is abuse (emotional or physical), or affairs (emotional or physical) where the offending person refuses to stop, I strongly think it’s healthier for couples to be separated. However, the key is that I want divorce to be the last option when all other options have been exhausted.
I’m passionate about this topic because I have seen the power that effective relationship training has not only on couples, but on the entire family as well. When couples learn the tools, not only do they experience the marriage they dreamed about, but their kids benefit from the family stability and learn (by watching their parents) the tools for their future relationships!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is the founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), motivational speaker, and media consultant. Visit www.dkleadership.org and follow her on Twitter at @DrKarynGordon.
