One of the most frequently asked questions of behavior therapists is, “Is this normal?” Which is quickly followed by, “Is there a way for this to stop?”
At the forefront of every parent’s mind is discerning the line between normal and problem behavior. Where does, “all kids tantrum” change into, “this is a problem?”
The good news: there’s not a clear line between normal and problem behavior. The bad news: there’s not a clear line on which to base your decision.
Here’s my best advice: If you’re constantly asking yourself if your child’s behavior is normal, then I suggest that you simply stop asking and start addressing the behavior.
You’re wasting time when you could have started taking steps to change it. If you’re not sure what to do, then find someone — a friend, teacher, pediatrician or behavior expert — to help you figure it out. The behavior can be improved even if it is normal.
Here are three normal behavior challenges and how to change them:
• “I have to call my child’s name 15 times before he answers.”
This is either a sign that you’re overusing your child’s name by putting it in every sentence or that you have not taught him to respond when you call his name. The solution: Become aware when you’re using your child’s name and use it specifically to get his attention. Make sure to only use your child’s name when you’re close enough to prompt him if he ignores you. Stop shouting his name across the room.
• “My kid does not sit down to eat and I end up chasing her around the house with her plate to ensure she eats enough.”
Notice if there are certain foods that she will sit to eat. Use those foods to teach her about sitting for meals. Also, adjust your expectation of how long she will sit. Maybe you start with her sitting for just two minutes at the table. Set a timer and the clear expectation that she needs to sit until the time is up. The constant reminders become a celebration that she sat still when the timer goes off!
• “At school my child does great cleaning up, but at home he never puts his toys away.”
At school there’s a specific time to clean up. There’s usually a fun song while it happens and there’s nothing else to do until clean up is done. The solution: Create that same type of environment at home. When you realize there are many different games pulled out, call out that there’s clean-up time. Find out what your child is still playing with, allow him to leave that out, but clean up everything else. Do it together and have fun during it; when you make cleaning up a chore, no one wants to do it. Once the clean up is complete, then everyone goes back to playing. Make sure playtime ends with a clean up time, just like in school.
For more tools to improve behavior in your home, visit: http://bit.ly/behaviortoolkit
Dr. Marcie Beigel is a behavioral therapist based in Brooklyn. She has worked with thousands of families for more than 15 years and has condensed her observations into her practice and programs. For more on her, visit www.Behav
