Dear Sharon,
Our next-door neighbor’s son is a bully. He is 12-years-old, sizeable, and formidable. I know he’s a bully because my 10-year-old son is one of his many victims. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this situation. My son is afraid of retribution if I take action, but I think doing nothing is more terrifying for everyone. What do you say?
Dear Parent,
I am sorry to hear about this all too common problem.
It is often challenging, although necessary, to conduct a thoughtful and effective adult intervention when bullying occurs. It can be particularly difficult when tensions come from a menacing neighbor who is an ongoing presence in a young person’s life.
There is rarely a simple solution to repeated intimidations, but here are some possible things to think about as you tackle the problem.
It is important for parents to play a role in the resolution of bullying. It is often useful for moms and dads to enlist advice and specific assistance from a variety of sources who can keep discussions confidential. Taking time to brainstorm and strategize with trusted family members, friends, and school or religious community advisors before acting can help generate ideas that can effectively stop the problem. It is not uncommon for children like your son to fear vengence. Unfortunately, those fears are not unfounded, all the more reason to have any parental actions be carefully thought out beforehand. Impulsive responses, an understandable reaction to bullying, are sometimes effective but can also lead to complications in the long run.
Of course, one possible solution would be for an adult to talk directly to the child or his family. However, it can be useful to remember that bullies are frequently experiencing family hardships and this emotional discord might be contributing to the problem. Those underlying issues might have to be addressed or at least understood to have interventions go smoothly.
While sorting through ways to stop the harassment, I suggest that parents in your position set aside ample time to listen to the details of the child’s experiences and then provide good counsel about any steps that might be taken to interrupt the behavior like avoiding the bully, not responding, and asking for help from others. Finding additional support through school or community resources such as counseling or support groups, in or outside of school, can be invaluable — even when stopping the problem is not a quick or easy task.
Parents are understandably upset and worried when their children are being bullied. They also need plenty of support and good counsel. If parents can sort through their own feelings it is easier for them to provide the calm, reassuring emotional support and practical strategizing that an adolescent needs during this time.
I am sorry to hear about your son’s dilemma. I know many moms and dads who have sorted through viable solutions to handle bullies over time. I wish you well as you do the same.
