Dear Dr. Karyn,
I was really moved by the segment you did on TV about how to build confidence in our kids. I am a single mother of three young girls ages 1, 6, and 8, and at times this can be extremely challenging. I don’t want to affect my girls’ lives with any sort of negativity, because I am not feeling well with myself. Thanks so much for enlightening me about changing my thinking and giving me hope as well.
The great news is that self-esteem and confidence is 100 percent learned! Some people think it is genetic, but that is a myth! So how can we help to develop it in our kids? Here are three tips:
Model it: We learn confidence from a variety of places (culture, media, peers), but I say the best predictor for what kind of confidence our kids will have is what has been modeled by the same-gendered parent. So fathers to sons, mothers to daughters: pay attention! We are the most influential teachers on this topic for our kids.
Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule, but if we are modeling it for our kids, there is a high probability that they will learn it from us. Some people get excited with this information, but others feel a little daunted, thinking, “Oh, no, so it’s all up to me?!” But think about it logically — wouldn’t you rather be the most influential person in your child’s life?
If you are already feeling confident and you model this consistently, great. Your children will likely learn this automatically from you. It’s like picking up a language as a child. But if you or your spouse struggle with confidence, my suggestion is that you get coaching to fix this 100 percent a fixable problem!
Understand it: If you were to read hundreds of articles and journals about this topic, you’d learn that self-esteem comes down to one word: attitude. How we think impacts how we feel, which impacts what we do.
If your 10-year-old daughter tells herself, “I am too fat” (thought), she will feel “insecure, self conscious, guilty” (emotions), and this will highly impact her decision making in that she may count calories, weigh herself daily, or be overly obsessive about how she looks (behavior).
The truth is that emotions are always logical; emotions will feel whatever we tell them. But our thoughts that impact how we feel are not always logical; it depends on what we tell ourselves. Experts call these thoughts “internal dialogue.”
The example above is illogical thoughts when we examine them objectively. However, as long as people tell themselves these kinds of thoughts, they will always feel insecure and anxious.
To fix and build confidence we need to change how we think. A confident person does not tell herself the conditional statement “I am okay if reach this weight.” Instead, she tells herself, “I am worthy as I am. If I get this goal, that’s great, but my self-worth does not depend on it.”
Just think about your kids. Can you imagine telling them a conditional statement like, “I love you only if you take out the trash” — it’s absurd! Loving parents do not put conditions on their love towards their kids. Similarly, someone who has healthy confidence does not put conditions on her self-worth. Research demonstrates that when people have a genuine healthy confidence, they are more likely to set goals and get them because they are fearless, take more risks, and have the guts and courage to charge after their ambition. When we unlock the dialogue in our head and challenge “toxic thinking,” we unleash a powerful force.
Affirm their character: Kids desperately need to know from their parents that you are proud of them. So look for opportunities to affirm them, but focus specifically on your children’s character. We all hear a lot of talk about praising kids from different experts, and while some people think it gives kids a big head or false self-esteem, I couldn’t disagree more. The key is that you need to make sure you are affirming the right way, or it may backfire. In addition, give regular constructive feedback, so that it’s not all praise and no substance.
Listen to the difference: “Johnny, I’m so proud of you that you got an ‘A’ on that test” versus “Johnny, I’m so proud of you that you were so hard-working, disciplined, and focused.”
The first one is affirming Johnny’s marks (external) and the second one is affirming his character (internal). Here is why this slight difference is highly important: children can 100 percent control their time management and personal discipline, whether they ask for help if they don’t understand, getting to bed on time, etc. (character and internal), but they cannot control their actual mark, because their teachers control this (achievement and externals). Obviously, their character will highly influence their outcomes — but ultimately the results may be out of their control.
The danger I’ve seen is that if parents affirm too heavily on externals, kids either become an over-achiever or an under-achiever. By focusing on what I call “Inside-Out Parenting” — in which parents focus first on developing the character of our kids — not only does it help them feel more confident and empowered, but it also increases the chances of them developing intrinsic motivation (the most powerful form of motivation wherein kids are motivated for themselves). So when you see your kids being disciplined, motivated, courageous, adventurous, and loyal — tell them!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
