Living with teenagers can have its challenging moments for parents. Teens frequently want more freedom than what they are prepared to handle. There are boundary issues, rebellion, and identity crises. Parents may experience their own identity crises as well. Experts say it’s dangerous and unhealthy for parents to take on the role of “friend,” as teens must see you as an authority. Yet there are plenty of moments when it feels more than natural to do so — to laugh, share music, and learn new things together.
In spite of the rollercoaster adolescence can feel like, I am not a fan of simply trying to “survive” this developmental chapter. There is much to celebrate about parenting these young adults, and the trick is becoming more intentional about savoring them. It’s easy to forget things were not always so rosy when they were younger and more dependent.
Six reminders to stay optimistic
• There’s a whole world of sweet things to enjoy together now that your teen is older. Don’t forget that many activities you both like — whether it’s a sitcom you both love, baking, a sports team, Scrabble, cars, a book series, or pilates — were not options when she was little. You likely yielded to her child-related interests and developmental needs at the time (and Dora!). Now there’s new, fun stuff for both of you.
• You both navigated childhood successfully. Cue the confetti. It’s worth celebrating. Really. It wasn’t always unicorns and rainbows — remember chronic ear infections, all those meals when she couldn’t cut up her pork chop, and the demonic temper tantrums in the grocery cart? Bravo. You made it.
• Her identity crisis makes you more accountable. At first blush, this may not sound savor-worthy, but think about it: because she is forming opinions and making discoveries about herself, you are probably held more accountable. And that’s good for both of you. Are you worried about the dangers of alcohol and drug-use for her? If so, you are likely modeling better behavior since you know she is watching. Part of teens’ process as they clarify who they are morally and ethically is influenced by interactions with their parents and what they observe at home.
• You have more time. And time is money. Teens are less dependent on parents, so you likely have extra time now for your own personal interests. Suddenly, you are freed up to explore what makes your heart sing, devote more time to church, and spend uninterrupted time with your spouse. The pressure to rush home to the sitter or carve out “mommy and daddy time” is over and probably a welcome change. If your kids made you feel guilty about doing anything fun without them, this is probably history. Traveling or entertaining at home? Suddenly much less stressful.
• You have the opportunity for meaningful discussions. It’s one thing to discuss matters of faith with your kids when they are 10. But as young adults, the ongoing dialogue about faith, philosophy, and character has life-altering potential. They may come to you for spiritual guidance or ethical dilemmas, and engaging them in such conversations (with compassion and understanding) can have soulful consequences.
• You may have more household help. It’s nice when there are strong arms around — arms that are capable of operating a vacuum, the microwave, and the washing machine. Even if you have to nag, sending them to the grocery store is a perk. And it’s easy to forget that just a short time ago you had to drag them with you on those boring errands, but now they can stay behind happily.
If you pay attention only to the media and the latest best-selling nonfiction, you may be horrified and convinced our teens belong to Generation Slut, Generation Me, or worse. You could be misled, since there are plenty of wonderful qualities emerging in adolescence. We just have to be sensitive enough to notice.
Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling.
