While the weather naturally transitions, things have begun to change far beyond the seasons at home. We’re expecting our third child (a boy), and there’s a lot of excitement building. Zoe, who is two, still carries on regular conversations with my belly, and her older brother Jack, who is four, thinks of something new every day that he wants to teach his soon-to-be little bro. The nursery is nearly finished, the crib is built and there’s a bassinet waiting to rock right next to my bed.
My husband and I feel as though we’ve prepared as best as we could (and, honestly, better than for the first two), but my son, Jack, when he’s not playing teacher, isn’t handling the impending changes very well.
Jack is an extraordinarily sensitive and sweet boy. He’s been the observant child ever since he was born—the type that aims to please and never makes much of a fuss. He is a whiz at puzzles and loves to play soccer with his close buddy from preschool. However, along with his conservative and content disposition, he also struggles to communicate.
For a while, we’ve been concerned that his confidence was being affected by his growing awareness of his delay—and recently Jack qualified to receive both speech and play therapy. While we weren’t sure how the play therapy would help—Jack is perfectly fine in social situations—we agreed to follow the recommendation and a therapist has been coming to our apartment twice a week to play games with him one-on-one. (Remember, this is in addition to his time with the speech therapist.)
Since the beginning of the sessions, Jack’s behavior at home has gotten almost unmanageable. He’s frustrated and struggling for attention and power all the time. He just seems so desperately frustrated in his own skin. At times, the situation has left me feeling like I’m a student again in front of a class facing the chalkboard, chalk in hand, waiting for the right answer to come to me—and it never comes. Just when I think I’ve got this parenting gig figured out—ha!—out comes a curve ball to remind me that parenting is about constant change and adjustments.
I am incredibly blessed to have a very bright and aware little boy who needs me to help him find comfort and confidence within himself, yet I cannot seem to help him as much as he needs, and that void is wreaking havoc on my mental state. It feels like the rise of a silent tsunami right here in the apartment.
I’ve been through enough parenting ups and downs to know that the water will recede (or certainly break!), and this phase too shall pass, and we might even end up feeling quite proud of how far we’ve come. But can it pass soon? Trying to prepare for a new child on top of trying to help my oldest has been overwhelming.
Believe it or not, I still try to remind myself to enjoy the pregnancy, to put aside some time to bond with the one on the way while he’s still a part of me. When I’m not driven to distraction, I also try to savor my precious time with my two little sidekicks and their dad before we become a party of five. I’m trying to focus on the peace and beauty within the spinning carousel. And of that there is much. There always is. Pretty soon though I will have to focus greatly on the immediate needs of a newborn. I wonder often about when the surrounding chaos will recede and Jack will find his peace.
Jessica Shyba blogs at Mommas Gone City (mommasgonecity.com) about her ongoing adventures raising children in New York. Her third child, Beau, was born in early December.
