On our quick trip to Blue Mountain in the Poconos last weekend, it was impossible not to notice that my son and his friend who joined us have almost polar opposite personality types. Adam is social and high energy, while his buddy is reserved and reflective. And, I must admit, at the beginning of the trip, I was guilty of praising our guest’s polite behavior in a way that pointedly contrasted it with my son’s.
It started at the beginning of the trip, when I thanked his friend, Jack, for joining us, and Jack answered right back with appreciation for us taking him—and I, yes, pointed out to Adam how considerate that was of Jack.
And it continued soon after, when Adam cut right into the middle of something I was discussing with a question that was unrelated about something he wanted—and I then took him to task for that in a way that, again, highlighted Jack’s regard for others.
To say the obvious, I am concerned about my son’s awareness of, and respect for, other people’s thoughts and feelings, and it’s underpinned by other concerns I have about his character strengths and weaknesses.
Adam, who is almost 10, is my younger child; his sister, Elena, is 13. With both of them, I feel like I’m still making big adjustments in how I parent and relate to them as they grow up.
But one practice, borrowed from another parent years ago, is that I try to finish most days by sharing a positive feeling or thought I have about them, regardless of whatever else has transpired that day. In the end, I believe that love and acceptance is still the best thing I have to offer my children. Hopefully, my little dollops of praise help them and help our relationships.
I don’t even remember what I said to Adam at the end of our first night in the hotel room, and I can’t say if it had a direct effect on his behavior, but I was so proud of him the next morning. Before we had all gone to sleep, his reticent friend had admitted to feeling a bit homesick—a big admission for a self-conscious child. In the morning, Adam greeted him with his best self.
“Hey, Jack, are you ready for skiing?” Adam said, enthusiastically. “Are you ready to have a great day?”
Adam is a physical boy, and he may have even hugged Jack or tackled him—I can’t remember for sure. He does that a lot.
Adam may remember this weekend as the one that spurred him on to become a skier. We’ll see. I may remember it as the one that reminded me to enjoy my son more and worry about him less.
