You can learn a lot from a board game. This week, when I arrived to pick up my 3rd grader from afterschool, he was engaged in a nail-biting Connect Four showdown. Since I was unable to slip him into his jacket or even get his attention, I decided to let him wrap up his game. There they sat, two eight-year olds, waging a war of plastic discs. Sean yellow; his opponent red.
Although I often see my youngest child sporting feisty assertiveness at home, in this game he was quite protective. He didn’t make bold moves. Not a one. Instead, he reacted to how his friend was playing. Sean was on the defensive. In his quest not to lose, he wasn’t trying to win.
Uh-oh. I’m that way.—
The things I applaud most audibly in my kids are the things I see lacking in myself. Knowing how reticent I can be makes me embrace their boldest qualities. Now as middle age looms (okay, maybe it’s already here) and I consider all of my “woulda, shoulda, coulda” moments, I see my three children as beautiful second chances. They can grow to be people with far fewer chinks in their armor than their mother has. They can go forth in this world and create big, bold, winning lives. And maybe that will make up for some of the chances I was afraid to take.
Wildly self absorbed, perhaps, but there you have it.
I interviewed Iman–the accomplished, iconic, supermodel–for New York Family magazine this past December. One of the most powerful things she said to me when describing her parenting style is that she does not see her children as extensions of who she is. They are their own people. Now isn’t that a freeing philosophy, for both mother and child?
Maybe Sean’s cautious approach to Connect Four (and to other areas of his life) belongs to Sean. If I want to play to win, that’s my choice. If I’m too timid in certain areas, that’s something I need to work out. There is a line of division I sometimes blur. Maybe I need a new pair of readers. Or maybe I just need to cheer on my children–and their mother–for however we choose to play the game.
