Topics that used to turn heads and evoke giggles are now coming to the forefront as New York parents get involved with their kids’ sexuality. Talking to children about masturbation can be uncomfortable, but it is an important conversation to have.
“The reality is that most parents and teens do not bring it up on a regular basis when they come to see a doctor — unless it is causing them problems,” said Dr. Caroline Barangan, assistant professor of pediatrics and adolescent medicine specialist at Mount Sinai. A big reason is that either the patient or physician may not feel comfortable broaching the topic.
“How we educate our parents in regards to how to approach masturbation at home would be in the bigger context of how they bring up sexual behaviors and sexual activity in general,” said Barangan. Some parents are comfortable bringing it up while others may not know how to begin. “The vast majority are not comfortable unless something came up to instigate the conversation — like a parent coming home and finding their teen with another teen making out on the sofa unexpectedly,” she says.
Find an avenue to approach sexuality. Timing is everything.
“Bring up the conversation about sexual behaviors once kids start asking questions or if they see something on television or a reference in music,” said Barangan. “It should be brought up at 9 years old, before puberty starts, to see what your kid knows or what he has heard from friends.”
Some kids may not even know what masturbation means.
“You can see masturbation in young kids even before the age of 5, even though they do not realize that is what they are doing. The reason you see it in kids between 4 and 8 years old is because they are exploring their body,” said Barangan.
Giving your child time and respect can be helpful. “Curiosity can be normal because they do not realize what social norms are and the meaning of privacy.”
The American Academy of Pediatrics defines masturbation as self-stimulation of the genitals.
It is your job as a parent to talk about what should be done in private and what is socially appropriate.
“When a kid in the kindergarten, first, or second grade is doing public masturbation, exposing himself, or trying to touch other people’s genitalia, you think about autism spectrum disorder, developmental delay, or conditions where a kid cannot control himself or grasp it is inappropriate and should not be done in public,” said Barangan.
From a medical standpoint, it is a concern whether or not the behavior is a sign that the child has been abused or neglected. Some forms of masturbation are unacceptable.
“If they are inflicting harm on themselves, inserting foreign objects into their genitalia, or forcing themselves on other kids, those are red flag signs that should be brought up with the doctor to see if more assessment needs to happen,” said Barangan. By ages 10, 11, and 12, kids should be aware that masturbation should only occur in private.
When you have an older child, give him space.
“I want to advocate for the adolescent person with regards to making sure parents know they should not walk into anybody’s room without knocking first in order to respect the adolescent’s privacy,” said Barangan.
Your child knows best when he is cognitively and emotionally ready to have sex if that is his choice.
“It is also cultural and depends on religious background, where kids may get messages that masturbation is bad and if you do it you will go blind, grow hair on your palms, or will hurt yourself in some way, and those things are false,” said Barangan.
Encourage your child to ask questions of the doctor and make sure his provider is comfortable answering and reassuring him of what is healthy and safe.
Jamie Lober, author of “Pink Power” (www.getpi
© 2015 Jamie Lober
