When it’s time to say “goodbye,” that first day of school can be a doozy for young children. Separation anxiety is a very natural part of development, but how parents respond to it is critical in order for children to make a healthy transition and develop trust with caregivers and teachers.
What not to do
Parenting coach Liz Warrick says there are definite no-no’s when it comes to saying “goodbye”:
• Don’t sneak away. Although it might be tempting, this actually creates more fear in your child, and it does not help your child learn to say “goodbye.”
• Don’t ask: “Is it OK for mom to leave now?” There really is only one answer.
• Do not bribe your child with a treat. This creates a bad precedent for both you and your child, as you will have to always up the bribe to get the behavior you want.
• Don’t linger.
Healthy goodbye rituals
Robin McClure, parenting expert and author of “151 Ways to Help Your Child Have a Great Day at School,” suggests creating a parting ritual.
“Maybe it is a special hug or handshake, a kiss and a twirl, or a set verbal exchange between you (such as ‘I love you best because…’),” he suggests. Here are some other suggestions:
• A Jedi goodbye. Social worker and blogger Dana Aderhold came up with a clever, customized ritual.
“When my son was 4, he started a new preschool where he didn’t know any of the other students. We created the ‘Jedi Goodbye’: when my husband or I dropped him off at preschool, we would do a secret light saber signal that was our goodbye ritual. It meant that ‘the Force was with him’ until we picked him up. He found this very reassuring.”
• Consistent goodbyes. Mom, day-care owner, and blogger Nicole Dash says it’s a good idea to say “goodbye” in the same way each day.
“If you help your child hang up his or her coat, and then give a kiss and hug before turning and leaving with a wave, then do not break that routine by one day sitting and playing.” Also, Dash says consistent means it is important that you try not to shortcut the goodbye, because you are running late.
• Low-stress goodbyes. Parents should keep their emotions in check. Dash says it’s not a coincidence when your child chooses to melt down and cling to you on a day you are running late to a meeting.
“Never tell your child you are running late, or show signs of stress. This will place undue stress on your child and will make the morning miserable for everyone.”
• Less-guilty goodbyes. There will be days your child will cry due to fatigue, a cold, etc.
“Whatever the reason, these sad goodbyes do not usually last longer than it takes you to get back into your car. It does not mean they hate you for leaving them in day care,” says Dash.
• Positive goodbyes. Warrick says on the big day, keep smiling and stay positive.
“Remind your child of all the ‘new and exciting things’ they will do. If you are confident about your child’s new environment, your child will be positive, too.”
• Courageous goodbyes. Dr. Laura Markham has this advice when it is you shedding more tears:
“Have faith in your child, and in nature. Nature designed kids to hang onto their parents for protection, but to start exploring once they feel safe. Worrying about leaving your child at school is a way of saying you don’t believe he can cope … have faith in your child’s inner strength to rise to the occasion and grow.”
Michele Ranard has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. She has a blog at hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com and hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Aderhold, Dana. edgeviews.wordpress.com
Dash, Nicole. www.dcmetromom.com/easy-blog/entry/ease-goodbye-drama.html
McClure, Robin. “151 Ways to Help Your Child Have a Great Day at School.” Sourcebooks, 2009.
Warrick, Liz. www.parentcoach411.com/please-dont-leave-me.
