In the midst of a crisis, we are all ready to ask for help, jumping in with two feet to the closest resource to get out of the crisis as quickly as possible. Behaviorally, there are lots of quick fixes to get out of crisis behavior. To truly avoid those situations in the first place, however, you need to jump in with two feet to change behavior during the good times.
Positive behavior from your child does not happen without a solid foundation. Challenging behaviors will not transform without putting in effort throughout the entire day. The trick to creating a solid behavioral foundation has two parts: consistency and focusing on the small stuff.
Consistency is important for lots of reasons! Let’s focus on how consistency helps change a sassy kid into an angel. To be consistent, you have to think of how you want to respond before the situation occurs. You need a plan. It does not have to be a big, elaborate or written plan, although writing it down is helpful. Simply knowing what you will do and say each time your kiddo has a specific behavior will change the entire dynamic. Being prepared leads to less of an emotion in your response, which is great!
How you decide to respond is not as important as the repetition of your response each time she, let’s say, asks for candy. The consistency in your response also means that you won’t change your mind based on your child’s reaction (aka behavior). Quickly, she will learn that you are not changing your answer simply because she yells louder, argues more, or throws herself on the floor. Your word will start to have a strong meaning to her — and that is powerful!
Here is the trick: Be consistent in the face of good behavior as well as bad.
Let’s say that the plan for candy is that it is only allowed after dinner. One day you’re at the park for a lovely afternoon, and everyone is happy and getting along. Your daughter politely asks for candy. You want nothing more than to say “yes”! Also, you’re worried: what if saying “no” ruins the nice afternoon? Even in this tempting moment, please, be consistent with the rule. This helps set the foundation for your child knowing that you mean what you say.
The second part of the solid foundation is focusing on the small stuff. The small moments, like being at the park and saying “no” to candy even though you all wanted it, demonstrate to your small beings that the rules you have created are not arbitrary. The structure you have created is thoughtful and intentional.
Often, kids cannot yet understand the logic behind our decisions. So, don’t expect them to understand. What you can teach them to understand is that you are looking out for their best interest. You teach them this by being consistent with your word and rules. The small moments when you remain consistent are so powerful! These are the moments when your child is aware and can understand the message you provide. During a crisis, it is hard for them to understand the underlying point.
Set a solid foundation in your family, by being consistent through all moments, big and small!
Dr. Marcie Beigel is a behavioral therapist based in Brooklyn. She has worked with thousands of families for more than 15 years and has condensed her observations into her practice and programs. For more on her, visit www.Behav
