After honing her skills as a trauma
counselor for young children and having two sons of her own—ages 4 and
9—Kimberley Clayton Blaine quickly jettisoned into the world of professional parent
coaching. As the executive producer of her popular Go-To Mom series, a
web-based show that launched in 2006, LA-based Blaine is on a mission to
help families with kids 0-7 years navigate the winding web of growing up.
Here, Blaine discusses her latest book The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to
Emotion Coaching Young Children (Jossey-Bass). In the reader-friendly
volume, she provides practical suggestions for parents of young children. Blaine discusses everything from tantrums to pacifiers, and even makes the
case for placing importance on the development of your parent-child relationship
over the act of discipline. Find out how to turn your kid into a socially adept
and responsible young person.
Describe what it means to emotion coach a child.
[It]
means assisting your young child to be more responsive and responsible as opposed
to reactive. The easy steps to coaching are: acknowledging your child’s
feelings, teaching him/her to recognize and express them, and [how to] stand up
for themselves.
The inspiration from your book came from working as a social worker,
specializing in trauma. How does this intersect with emotion coaching?
Developing
communication skills in very young children allows them to maneuver [within] society
without getting in trouble. Society expects us to sit still and be good, but not
all children can do that. And they do it at different ages.
What’s the difference between a “hands-off” parent and a parent who emotionally
coaches?
The
emotion coach is an observer, a Sherlock Holmes. The hands-off parent believes
that the child is going to develop and get their skills by themselves. [But
this] really does a child a disservice. A child needs to know that there are
boundaries and social etiquette in life.
Are there any red flags for parents that indicate that their parenting
style isn’t working?
If
your child’s doing the same thing over and over again, then you need to take a
different road with that
behavior. Secondly, I would say if you’re always
finding it’s a complete struggle [with] discipline, it might mean your issues
are overriding your child’s. As a parent, we have to hold back some of our
needs. If you find that you’re always heated during most of interactions with
your kids–you need to revamp.
In your opinion, what would you say is the number one mistake parents
today make in raising a child?
Thinking
that the way you were raised is the right way. History tends to repeat itself.
There is a ton of pressure on parents to be the first to wean their
toddlers off the binky or thumb sucking, but you write about how these phases
are actually fundamental to child development and should not be rushed.
I
think rushing things that aren’t detrimental to children just endangers your
relationship with them. You have to pick your battles, and if it’s not a detriment
to their development—[you] don’t have to battle it.
Many parents struggle with the question of “How much TV is too much?”
You touch on this in your book.
Children
two and under do not need TV and DVDs. It’s not a requirement for a healthy,
developing child. But we’re not perfect and parents need a respite sometimes. I
believe if you’re going to show your child (at any age) something, be sure it’s
benign. [At our house], we love PBS KIDS, Disney and Nick Jr.—the stuff that’s
got a really sweet message.
You talk a lot about the need for parents to have complete control
over their own emotions in order for them to effectively parent. What are a few
suggested techniques for moms and dads who are feeling at the end of their
rope?
First,
walk away for a few minutes so you don’t get overly heated. Then second, call
on resources to remind us that parenting is amazing. And third, it’s really
important once you’ve made a mistake [that] you let your child know [that] you
didn’t mean to do it.
As our children grow older, does the emotion coaching part of parenting
move on too?
Emotion
coaching is for people of all ages. You’re always going to respect and
deal with the emotional side of your relationship with your children. As they
get older, we adjust. But you are always coaching.
To win a copy of Kimberley Clayton Blaine’s book, refer to our Contests
& Giveaways tab.
Local Resources For Emotion Coaching
Looking
to ignite your quest in becoming an emotion coach for your child? Consider
these local resources.
seedlingsgroup
This group of experts can instruct and guide you on exactly what to expect at
every stage of your child’s development (and how to cope)—from ER trips to
imaginary friends. seedlingsgroup.com
The Bernard L. Pacella Parent Child Center
This Upper East Side center offers classes on positive discipline for
parents of children ages 3-6, one-on-one meetings with developmental
specialists and a new program just for stay-at-home fathers. 247 East 82nd
Street, 212-665-6309,
theparentchildcenter.org
The New York Open Center
Starting on Wednesday, March 7, this holistic non-profit will host a
five-part daytime lecture series focused on positive parenting. Interested
parents can sign up for the whole program or just for an individual lecture. 22 East 30th Street, 212-219-2527, opencenter.org
