We all have those things we did when we were young, impressionable and seemingly invincible, that we’re not so proud of.
I know I have several — including the time I dove into a swimming hole because everyone else was doing it, only to learn two weeks later that someone drowned after diving off the same cliff. Somehow, we lived through it all — maybe not unscathed, but a bit wiser. Now that your daughter is a teen, you think back on those things you would do differently now, and you fear your teen will make the same kinds of mistakes, only with more severe consequences.
Parents are often unsure about how much they should disclose. Do you spill all the beans when your teen asks questions about your past? She might take your drop-dead honesty to heart and believe that, since you lived through it, it must not be so bad. On the other hand, she might learn from your mistakes and take the opposite path. Parents are divided on this issue: some feel honesty is the best policy, while others think secrets are best kept in the closet.
Don’t have selective recall
Hopefully, you’re able to reflect on your own teen years through clear glasses, not the rose-colored kind. This will help you connect with your teen because you’ll empathize with her occasional … um … lapse in good judgment. However, keep in mind that your role as parent is one where you guide and provide limits, not behave like one of her friends — she has plenty of those!
“Being a positive role model is critical for parents since children learn by modeling behavior, not by simply being told what to do,” says Dr. Mary E. Muscari, associate professor at Binghamton University and coauthor of “The Everything Guide to Raising Adolescent Girls” and “The Everything Guide to Raising Adolescent Boys” (Adams Media). “However, being a positive role model is not the same as qualifying for canonization.”
The angel myth
Chances are you weren’t an absolute angel. Guess what? Your teen probably suspects this. So, will she think you’re hypocritical if you pretend you were? Some parents fear that if their teen knows they weren’t completely virtuous, her perspective of them might change, and she might scoff at future parental advice.
“Children learn how we handle mistakes and how we grow from them,” explains Muscari. “Talking to your teens about your own stumbles through adolescence shows them that anyone can easily take the wrong path, but that it takes courage to get back on the right one.”
Is honesty the best policy?
Studies show that teens are less likely to use drugs or dabble in other risky behaviors when their parents have talked to them about the risks. The amount of disclosure will probably depend on each individual circumstance. However, there are certain topics which parents might feel are better kept private, particularly if they suspect a “you-did-it-why-can’t-I” attitude.
If your teen asks about your past, consider it an opportunity to open up communication with her. Find out why she’s asking questions. What is going on in her world? If you choose to talk about your past mistakes, don’t glorify risky behavior. Instead, share how poor choices resulted in negative consequences.
“It’s a judgment call,” says Muscari. “There are just too many variations among parents and teens to have a one-size-fits-all framework for anything. If you fear that disclosure will result in dangerous risk-taking, don’t tell. We don’t need to clean everything out of our closets!”
Tips and tales
“Parents from my son’s private school in Manhattan were divided about what to tell their teens. I was in the ‘truthful’ camp — but only when asked. I didn’t volunteer information.”
Samuela Becker, New York, NY
“I share my experiences — good and bad — and talk about it. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable hearing what they did, but telling the truth both ways works for us.”
Christine Jansen Vierstra, Saugerties, NY
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and children’s development. She is the mother of two teenagers.
