Too much!
Dear Dr. Karyn,
My daughter collapsed at school in the spring. Prior to that, she was feeling very anxious and complaining about all her work. I know she was overcommitted with too many extracurricular activities. What can I do to help her balance her calendar this fall?
Dear parent,
Unfortunately, your question is one I get asked all too often. When people pack their schedule, there are many potential emotional and physical consequences. Thankfully, there are many things you, as a parent, can do to help.
First, take her to see your family doctor. Anytime there are physical symptoms, it’s extremely important to get your doctor on board. Second, it’s important for you to model having a balanced calendar yourself. If parents preach one thing but live another, your teen probably will not listen to what you have to say. Modeling is extremely important when we’re talking about this topic.
Third, sit down with her and express your concerns. Let her know why you are worried (refer to the collapse as an example), and discuss the potential consequences if she does nothing different this fall.
Fourth, if she is willing, help her prioritize all her potential fall commitments. Get her to make a list of all her commitments in two categories: negotiable and non-negotiable (i.e. sleeping, eating, school).
Get her to estimate how much time per week each commitment will involve.
Fifth, get her to map her non-negotiables on a calendar so that she can see what she is committed to and how much room there is left over. Sixth, get her to prioritize from zero to 10 how important her negotiable items are to her. Some activities are going to be more important to her than others. The key is that you don’t want to eliminate everything, but rather help her to focus on what is really important to her.
Finally, help her to say “no” to some of her potential commitments. This is the toughest step. The reality is that we are not robots — we have limits. And to be effective, we need to be selective. Once she does this, she will feel a huge difference emotionally and physically!
Teen dating
Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 19-year-old son who recently decided to get back together with an old girlfriend who is not good for him. Any suggestions?
Dear parent,
It can be extremely difficult when we see our teens dating someone that we don’t approve of. When I coach parents, there is one strategy that I often recommend: focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot control. So many of us focus on what we cannot control and as a result we get frustrated, angry, and anxious. The truth is you cannot control who your son dates, but you can control how and what you communicate to your son. So my encouragement is to focus on this.
Here are a few tips: first, aim to be a safe person for your son. When I say safe, I mean non-judgmental, warm, loving, caring, compassionate, understanding, and genuine. That means not saying that you don’t like or approve of his girlfriend. If you do this, you can almost guarantee that his walls will go up and he will stop sharing with you.
I do think it’s important for you to voice your concerns, but only if he is willing and open to hear it. Ask him, “I’ve got some concerns about your relationship — would you like me to share them with you?” If he says “no,” then respect that. When teens are asked whether or not they want advice, I find they are much more open to hear it.
Second, ask questions. Ask him, “How are you and your girlfriend doing?” “What do you most appreciate about her?” “How is she similar or different to your past girlfriends?” “How would you describe your dream girlfriend?” At first, he may only say one-word answers. But over time, if he continues to feel safe with you, he is likely to start sharing more.
Finally, ask him how he feels about your relationship to your husband. This question can be a real eye-opener! The reality is children will often mirror relationships of their parents. Opening this up in a dialogue might give you some clues as to why he is attracted to her in the first place. Good luck!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide to the Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter @DrKarynGordon.
