As we journey through life, we undergo many diverse transitions of attachment and separation. We begin life being separated from our inner home of nine months. We may be taken to day care, schools, or other caregivers. We move to a new home, get a new job, and go on a vacation. Some may get married, divorced, or undergo the separation of the death of a loved one. The task of adjustment to transitions challenges us at every stage of life, beginning at infancy and onward.
Attachment is an emotional bond that typically forms between an infant and caregiver. Separation is fear provoked in a young child by an actual or perceived threat of parting from his primary caregiver. Separation anxiety is a normal emotional stage of development. It usually occurs when babies begin to develop “object permanence,” when the child realizes that his caregiver exists even when she is not present. Typically, this occurs when the child is between 8 to 14 months; however, it can occur until the age of 6, when the child is faced with new experiences, unfamiliar people, and places.
Many children experience separation anxiety during their first day of school, attending a new school, meeting new childcare providers, when family changes, and so forth. This is normal. There are some great ways that parents (caregivers) can help their children cope with separation anxiety.
“The Butterfly Technique” is helpful to both the parent and child. It is as easy as one, two, three, four:
Step 1: Anxious. Recognize that you feel scared. Acceptance is key to beginning where you are at and learning to move forward. Reading children’s books and talking with your child about the new experience can help to reduce the fear.
Step 2: Breathe. Take three deep slow breathes. Inhale and exhale slowly. Think positive (good) thoughts.
Step 3: Calm and cope. Think of a solution. What can you do to make this better? Will a small memento help? Some children bring a transitional object such as small picture or a toy that is utilized as a means to provide feelings of security and comfort. Always say “good-bye” to your child — no sneaking away! Good-bye can be done in a special way, asserting you are leaving and you — or another caregiver — will return.
Step 4: Do, do take action. Fly! For instance, if after you have said “good-bye,” your child begins to cry, it is best to nicely leave. Trust the process! Your child will begin to understand that you are consistent and will return for him. Many parents are heartbroken when their child cries. I was one of those parents. The teacher remained hopeful, smiling, and encouraging. I walked away with a tear in my eye and hope in my heart. The separation anxiety was overcome as a team.
Being positive is imperative. (Read on for more about positivity.) Remaining calm and optimistic in the face of separation — irrespective of the possible screams and cries — is important. Encouragement and support will help you and your child to transition to this new phase in the journey. Quite possibly your child may happily walk into the classroom while waving good-bye and you may turn around with a knot in your chest while tears fall from your eyes. It is okay. You, too, will overcome this hurdle and win the race.
Be positive
Be present in the moment. Focus on your child, teacher, and environment. Please put away all phones. Thank you.
Engage. Communicate often with your child. Be honest and never make any promises you are unable to keep.
Predictability. A routine and keeping things stable is important during this transition.
Oops! Expect regression. Mistakes, potty accidents, and tantrums are all possible, yet we all will remain positive, knowing this is a moment of change. Change is tough, yet can be very rewarding.
Speech. Let’s be careful how we speak since children need to be reminded of the positive, and feel understood, as well as heard.
Invite old friends for play dates. Reconnecting through interactions.
Talk with your child. Remind him of the many experiences when he overcame a fear or challenge. For example, “Remember when you were scared of riding your bike, and now you are the best! Remember when you were scared of the circus? Now you have lots of fun there!”
Introduce your child to the school and new teachers. Take pictures!
Vibe describes the emotional atmosphere. As a parent, you set an important example by remaining calm.
Enjoy this new journey with your child. Shake, shake, shake off the guilty feelings.
