Did you ever lie to your parents when you were a teenager? Be honest with yourself. Not even a teeny, tiny lie? Here is a typical scenario: You started out studying with Mary, but you wound up at John’s party afterward. It really wasn’t in the game plan, but you conveniently left the latter part out when arrived home and your mom asked why you were late.
Fact: Kids aren’t perfect, and lying is common in adolescence. Fiction: “Good” kids don’t lie.
Telling tall tales
Parents may unintentionally serve as role models. Adults often use “white lies” to spare hurt feelings or embarrassment. For instance, you might tell a friend her haircut is adorable after discussing in your child’s presence that you would never use that salon.
“Many parents teach children that social or ‘white’ lies are acceptable. For example, most parents tell their children to express thanks and pleasure for gifts, even if the gift is something the child does not want. Parents also teach children that some thoughts, while honest, do not always need to be relayed to others when they might cause hurt feelings or discomfort,” says R. Andrew Harper, MD, medical director at the University of Texas Harris County Psychiatric Center and associate professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Texas Medical School at Houston.
By adolescence, however, teens understand the difference between lying to spare feelings and lying to get one’s own way. Teens lie for many reasons, including trying to avoid getting into trouble or seeking more freedom than parents are allowing. If a teen has learned that bending the truth will help him get his way, lying may seem like a good option.
“Pleasing their friends becomes more important than following the rules. When teenagers have to choose between lying to parents and disappointing a friend, parents often lose that coin toss,” says Loren Buckner, a psychotherapist and the author of “ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How to Deal with Them.”
Be a lie detective
Recognizing a lie can be tricky.
“There are behaviors that may indicate your teen is lying, such as avoiding eye contact, or changes in vocal pitch,” explains Harper. “However, many parents have learned through experience when to be suspicious of what their teen is telling them. Explanations that are inconsistent or seem to shift on retelling may be clues.” He warns, “Many teens learn to lie to their parents without being detected, particularly if the lie is well planned in advance.”
Buckner suggests that parents look for patterns. Teens who stick to curfew, do their school work, and show up when and where they’re supposed to can generally be trusted.
Choosing consequences
Teens don’t tend to think ahead. Parents should discuss various scenarios with their teens to illustrate what can happen when a lie leads to putting oneself and others in danger.
“Some lies have consequences that teach important life lessons,” Harper points out. “For instance, a teen who lies about completing homework will get a lower grade. However, lies that place someone at risk should call for more serious consequences from parents.”
Harper believes it’s wise to involve teens in the process of choosing consequences.
“Parents should consider negotiating with their teens when choosing consequences,” he says. “This is an opportunity to teach them about problem solving and collaboration in difficult situations.”
Frequent lying can be a sign of a more serious problem. However, belittling or shaming a teen can make matters worse.
“Teens need to know they’re loved, even when they get into trouble,” says Buckner.
Tips and tales
“My kids know I will call teachers or friends’ parents to check up on them if necessary. If they are caught lying, the consequences are much, much worse!”
— Andrew Bradford, Poughkeepsie, NY
“As a parent, you know what to look for in each of your kids with their different personalities. There are usually telltale signs. Some teens are better at lying than others.”
— Kathleen King, Woodstock, NY
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and child and adolescent development. She is the mother of two teenagers.
