Nicole Kear is a Park Slope mom, who at 19, got the devastating news that she was going blind. In her memoir, Now I See You, Kear writes about her decision to become a mom in spite of her failing eyesight. She is also currently working on a series for kids called The Fix-It Friends, which follows a young girl and her group of friends as they help their peers with issues like anxiety and bullying.
What prompted you to write your memoir Now I See You?
I was diagnosed with my retinal disease when I was 19 and apart of me has really wanted to write this story since then. It wasn’t until recently that I felt that I was able to write about my vision loss. I had been a parenting writer for many years, almost 11 years now, and after freelancing for magazines, I started a parenting blog and I wrote a lot of essays and after doing that for a while I started to work on a parenting memoir and even as I started working on it didn’t include any allusions to my vision loss. After wrestling with it for a while, my husband, who is also a writer, suggested that what was missing was this huge piece about the fact that I’m losing my vision. As soon as he made that suggestion it was like a really big moment, where I was like, “yes that’s exactly what this book needs to be about and it’s probably always been the memoir I intended to write I just didn’t know it.” It was something that took a long time but when I figured out what was missing I realized it was always in the making.
What has been the reaction of your family and friends?
I was really scared to show my family the book because they are all throughout it. They are a huge part of the book, but they’ve been fantastic. They think it’s funny to see themselves represented in this way. They recognize so much of it and so much of it feels like, “hey that’s not what I’m like at all!” They’ve enjoyed it even though I think it must have been difficult for them to read some of the sadder parts.
My friends have been unbelievably supportive.
Do you think you have a different perspective on parenthood because you are visually impaired?
Something that has really helped me is knowing my parenting style. Knowing what I do well and what I don’t do well, and that it may be different than other parents that I know. Forgiving myself for my limitations has been really important and understanding that everybody has limitations. All parents have things that they are struggling with.
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Can you offer up any tips for moms who may be struggling with similar limitations?
I’ve had a really good experience opening up and being more honest and transparent about my personal struggles with vision loss. It was something that I kept a secret for so long and now that it’s not a secret it has been so wonderful and such a tremendous relief and opened so many doors, so in a general sense, that would be my recommendation. The relief that you feel when you are honest about the things you are struggling with is amazing. I think it’s important to talk about whatever you’re struggling with whether it’s anxiety and depression or financial hardships or even parenting stuff. It never ceases to amaze me how helpful it is for parents to speak frankly to each other about what they are grappling with as parents.
How old are your children?
10, eight, and three.
Did your older children know about your vision loss or was it something you chose to discuss with them once you set out to write this book?
They knew about my vision loss, from an early age, in a vague sense. Even though I was very private and secretive about it with other people, I did tell them about it when they were toddlers. But I don’t think they really knew the details and the full extent of it until my book was published. The publication of my book really helped to open up that discussion in a deeper more profound way.
Any advice for teaching kids about navigating interactions with people who are different? What have you taught your children about these types of interactions?
I’d like to think that having a mother who has certain limitations has made my children more compassionate. It’s consoling for me to think that there might be a benefit to all this. They are kind kids and I think that it is directly related to my vision loss because one of the things we talk about is giving people the benefit of the doubt. I feel like that’s a good New York lesson in general. I’m a native New Yorker, I’ve lived here all my life and I wish everybody gave each other the benefit of the doubt a lot more! Because of my vision loss, which is not obvious, people make a lot of assumptions about me. I bump into people and on so many occasions I’ve had people tell me, “Hey watch what you’re doing!” And I want to tell them, “You know, there’s stuff going on that might not be obvious to you.” I remind my children of that constantly, that they don’t know what sorts of things people are struggling with, or what their limitations or circumstances might be. You can’t assume. There are lessons like that that I think they probably have learned.
The other things that we talk about too is that everybody has their baggage and their issues and that’s just part of life. It doesn’t have to define us, it’s just part of the whole package.
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Have other parents you know been helpful?
The parents at my kids’ school, who heard about my book, have shown me an outpouring of tremendous support. What is interesting to me is that it hasn’t been just these wonderful messages of support but so many people have been opening up to me about their own lives, which has been this unexpected gift, which I did not anticipate. It’s an interesting phenomenon when you write a memoir, people read all about your secrets and your tribulations and then that intimacy really invites them to disclose their own stuff.
Tell us a bit about your new series, The Fix-It Friends.
I’m writing the first of six books in a new series that I created. It follows an 8-year-old girl and her group of siblings and friends, who help other kids in their urban neighborhood. Most of these problems the kids face are socio-emotional. The first book deals with a girl who has anxiety and the second book is about teasing, and there’s a book about learning disabilities. They are really funny and entertaining. Kind of like if Junie B. Jones was about a girl who had anxiety. My children were the inspiration for this series.
I wrote these books because I see in my children and in my children’s friends that they are grappling with big issues. Not just, “my tooth won’t fall out,” or these little blips that you see represented in kids’ books. I wanted to write a series that is extremely funny and very engaging, but also represented what I see as a reality for kids today. I want kids who are reading these books to be able to relate to these issues and also to have more compassion for the kids that they know who are grappling with them. I’m having so much writing it!
What are you some of your favorite children’s books?
Maurice Sendak and Vera B. Williams are some of our favorites.
My older kids love the Ramona series, and in many ways that also inspired my series.
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