The holidays are an ideal time for lessons in politeness. Parents often seize the occasion to teach kids how to sit at the table without fidgeting or how to be gracious about a gift that isn’t exactly what they wanted. This year, many families will find themselves at odds about mobile manners. Will cellphones be welcome at the holiday feast? When is it OK to accept an interruption from a call or a text message?
Before parents can teach mobile manners to their kids, they have to think them through for themselves. Good manners create strong social connections by putting other people at ease and making it clear that you value your relationship with them. With that in mind, here are some guidelines that may make it easier to raise kids who know when and how to use interactive devices not only at the holidays, but all through the year.
Face to Face comes first. Talking or texting someone other than the people you are with suggests that you don’t care much about spending time with those people. During family occasions, encourage everyone to set up a festive away message and then stash the cellphone in another room. If necessary, coach your child in the basics of polite conversation: make eye contact, ask questions, listen attentively. Teach her how to excuse herself if there’s a mobile message that needs immediate attention.
These skills will serve your child well in other situations. In the classroom, for example, many teachers find their task more difficult, because students are constantly sneaking a peek at cellphones. Learning to give the person in front of you your full attention creates an advantage for your child, if only because it’s a form of courtesy that has become rare.
Choose the right medium for the message. A recent study from the Pew Research Center found that young people prefer text messages to phone calls. Help your child understand that text is ideal for informal communication but, because it often fails to communicate emotion, it shouldn’t be used for messages that might be upsetting to the other person. Disagreements, in particular, should be handled face to face whenever possible.
Be responsive. Even though kids shouldn’t be tethered to their cellphones, they should extend courtesy to those who call or text. Establish rules about how quickly you expect your child to respond to messages from you and try not to send messages when you know your child can’t or shouldn’t reply. Encourage your child to be prompt about responding to messages from other people, including messages that she receives by mistake. It’s simple courtesy to send a text saying, “I think you sent me this message by accident.”
Think about the needs of friends. Young people often assume that because they are using a mobile device, others should respond instantly. Talk to your child about being considerate. It’s good manners to inquire about when a friend is available, so you won’t call or text during important events such as a worship service or a family meal. Mobile devices should also have a curfew, so messages won’t disrupt another person’s sleep.
Remind your child that the manners that work well in real life should also be applied to text messages. If you would say “please” or “thank you” in conversation, use those words when you text. If cursing or swearing aren’t appropriate in speech, they aren’t appropriate in text messages. Using a cellphone to spread gossip, trash reputations or bully others is every bit as wrong as doing those things in person. Being considerate of others also means avoiding messages that will get a friend in trouble.
Coach your child to avoid talking on a cellphone in settings such as elevators or restaurants where other people will have to overhear the conversation whether they want to or not. And remind your child not to inconvenience people in stores, restaurants, banks or offices by asking them to wait until a cellphone communication is finished. The person on the phone should do the waiting. Better yet, postpone the call or text until you are truly free.
Safety first. Using a mobile communication device should never create a safety hazard for your child or others. Teach your child to give full attention to complicated tasks such as driving, cutting the grass, crossing the street, cooking or skateboarding.
Like most rules, these will be easier to enforce if you model the manners you expect from your child. For example, when you are spending time together — at the dinner table, in the car, at the grocery store — show respect for your child by turning off your own phone. Remember, too, that the rules about how mobile communication devices should be integrated into our lives are still evolving. Rules may vary from family to family, and there’s plenty of room for discussion. Just be sure to start from the premise that underlies all good manners — respect for others is the foundation of good relationships regardless of how people communicate.
Carolyn Jabs, MA, has been writing about families and the Internet for more than 15 years. She is the mother of three computer-savvy kids. Other Growing Up Online columns appear on her website www.growing-up-online.com.
2011, Carolyn Jabs. All rights reserved.
